What Titles and Labels Do You Prefer?

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Titles are one of those things in D/s, or even BDSM, that can be either/both positive and negative.  Generally, I have a strong disdain for labels of any type.  Titles and labels give others a way of fitting someone into a preconceived mold of how they think they should appear, behave, or even what people they should then be partnered with.  If I was forced to pick one title to express myself at this point in my life, the simplest is submissive.  However, I also have switch behaviors, most typically I would be classified as a bottom, and I also have a few babygirl tendencies that will crop up from time to time.  I am a masochist, though some may consider me masochist-lite due to my preference against some of the more severe aspects of impact play.  In the past, I did embrace the titles pet, baby, and little, though they just do not fit me these days.

Titles/labels for my partners have changed over the years as well.  My first recognizable D/s (refer to Where it all began… for earlier experiences) was simple.  It was his desire that he be called Sir, and I obliged, however, my title was usually woman.  He took on the more domineering role that many associate with dominance, thanks to porn and media.  Another relationship was mostly long distance, from the beginning he wanted me to call him Master, but never really gave me a title, he was focused on my use of ‘yes, Master’ or ‘what ever you wish, Master’.  Looking back now, I can see how I was subjugated, and not completely honored. 

Fast forward to my current relationship, we have not really discussed labels or titles.  In the most D/s moments, he will use terms like ‘mine’, and it just makes me melt.  I have concluded that titles and labels may help to explain to someone a side of my personality, so that is really the only time I use them beyond sub/submissive, and Dom/Dominant for my partner.

What titles/labels do you/have you used?  Are there ones that you dislike or stay away from?

Admittedly, I was leery of the title Daddy, until recently.  Though it is still not one I could see myself using, I have a better understanding of the Daddy/Caregiver personality.  Thanks mostly to John Brownstone and Kayla Lords over at LovingBDSM.  They have taught me how different a Daddy Dom can be to my own preconceived notions in the past.  Also, they are who to thing for this topic… help me give them a thumbs up by checking them out!!

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

What Does Submission Mean to You?

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Day 2 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s 

If you would have asked me a decade ago what submission meant or was, I would have simply answered serving another, or giving up control to another person.  While yes, that is part of submission, it has since taken on so much more.  Submission involves an innate desire to be taken care of, supported, molded, and in an ever-evolving state of improvement.  Submission is best embrace when there is a trusting guide, usually a Dominant, to take the responsibility of the lessons that need to be learned.  However, submission can and does occur in every day social circles where people may not recognize what it represents.  Submission can take on forms such as helping; nurses, doctors, mental health practitioners for example, or service; customer service, creators, artists, and even police officers, firefighters and emts.  Many professions can fulfill a submissive desire if one is open-minded enough to search it out.

In a relationship, submission can also take many forms.  For me personally, I am mostly a sexual submissive in my primary relationship.  Therefore, my SO (D in training) takes on leadership and control in sexual situations.  However, there are times when he can remind me of my submission in simple, yet effective, ways.  Just the other day we spoke about a common gesture that he does without thinking that puts me in a submissive headspace nearly immediately.  Whenever I am driving and he is in the passenger seat of the car, he tends to grab the back of my neck.  Sometimes it just sits there, while other times he may massage or squeeze gently.  In the instances when we are alone, it works very quickly.  However, I realized only recently that it does not have the same effect when any of our children are in the car with us.  I choose to compartmentalize my submission.  And while I embody many submissive mannerisms around my children, such as taking care of them, or helping them in some way, I just do not feel the same way, so for me it is different enough.  I am always searching for ways to expand my submission.  This blog/website is part of that desire.

There also does NOT exist one type of submissive, as I have met and talked to individuals from many different backgrounds and personalities that embrace submission as a large part of their identity.  For me though there seems to be a few constants.  First, being an underlying need for at least one deep connection.  Some submissives may take time to trust another, but once they do, that trust goes to the core of their being.  Another unfortunate, but seemingly universal trait is self-deprecation in some form.  I do not mean this in a bad way, but all submissives I have spoken with are just too hard on themselves, myself included.  Sure, I try to be self-confident and fight what I refer to as my mental demons, but most individuals have that nagging voice of doubt, somewhere.  Except maybe psychopathic and narcissistic individuals, but that is a whole other issue.

What other ways do you define submission?  Are there universal traits to submissives?  What do you think?

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

As always, thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

What Does Dominance Mean to You?

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Ok, first things first, I must give a shout out to Kayla Lords and John Brownstone over at LovingBDSM for providing a wonderful workbook/ email opt-in to work with.   After subscribing to the email list, I later purchased the digital workbook to use to increase communication with my (new to D/s) partner.  Now, I am going to take this a bit further and use it as (ideally) 30 posts in 30 days.  I am hoping this will not only help you to get to know me but improve how much I know about myself.  Again, thanks LovingBDSM!  So, if you find this helpful, want to join the email list, purchase the workbook, or are just curious about all things kinky, go over and check them out, they are great people, doing great work.

So, the prompt for this first post is What Does Dominance Mean to You?

                For me, the first word that I immediately associate with Dominance is control, followed closely behind by protection.  To dominate someone else should require that the person doing the dominating have, at minimum, a realistic and honest drive to keep the other person safe.  And I mean safe from both physical and mental harm.  Dominance, IMHO, also requires an ongoing education.  Just because someone likes to take control, does NOT mean they should be trusted with it.

                In a relationship, I envision dominance in many different domains.  Sexual dominance can be as simple as being the person who initiates contact, with consent.  Financial dominance; it is not uncommon for one member of a couple to take control of balancing the checkbook, paying the bills, even being the primary income.  Professional dominance is something I envision as the cooperate tiger, who has their way in all matters business related.  Then there is parental dominance, this is the dominance and responsibility ALL parents should have with their children, including guidance, education, direction, understanding and supporting both financially and emotionally.

However, a Dominant in the D/s, sense has a much larger responsibility.  A “true” Dominant CAN be all the above, or just one or more.  A Dominant is the lucky recipient of the trust from a submissive that in every way, they will put the safety of what ever they are being given dominance of; whether that be orgasm control, discipline, or a myriad of other ‘things’ that a submissive has the ability to give up control.  A good Dominant, IMHO, will be a caregiver, gentle, understanding, offer leadership, take on the responsibility of both self-improvement and their submissive’s (and any others they care for) overall improvement.  They will also be humble, possess the ability to recognize their own deficiencies, and have the courage to look for ways to paths do decrease such deficiencies.  Above everything a Dominant must earn respect from their submissive.  Respect and trust are such critical and fragile things that they must be of the foremost importance.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

Fat people get horny too!!

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Have you ever looked at anything selling sex,  sex toys,  or suggestable clothing and noticed there are very few that show models,  specifically women, above a size 4 or so? Even sites claiming to cater to plus sized individuals, really display plus sized models,  and IF they do,  they might be a size 16.  The average dress in the US is somewhere around 14-16 for women,  yet the models are always tiny.

Now, I will be the first person to admit that there has been some improvements,  in magazines and other media, but not so much in shopping.  Jump over to Amazon and search for plus sized clothing and I’ll bet there is not one picture of a plus sized women,  even when the sizes available to purchase start at XL.  I don’t know about you,  but I’d like a better idea of what something might look like on someone closer to my size!

Clothing sales isn’t the only place this occurs.  Trying to purchase sex related gear or toys turns out the same way,  advertisements always feature porn-ish pictures of people in the throws of passion never having to struggle to reach their clit, or if they can reach it,  how out of breath it makes them.  Maybe that’s just me.

I’d pay good money for products that show honesty in their advertising… the fishnet stockings where the holes are stretched more around luscious thighs,  the corset that shows something bigger than an A cup with a like spillage over the top.  We’d all benefit from less expectation to meet some socially accepted stereotype of what is sexy.

I’ve met people of all shapes and sizes that not only want sex,  but actively attempt to shop for things that make them feel sex or enhance their sexual exploits.  Just give me some sexy,  comfy outfits for this big ass and I’ll be happy.

What stresses you when it comes to sex related purchases? What would you like to see,  or what would convince you to buy?

– raxleanne

When “normal” gets in the way…

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So you may or may not know at this point that I am in Graduate School.  I am working toward becoming a counselor/therapist that will specialize in kink friendly, sex-positive, mental health services for “alternative” sexuality, gender, lifestyles, etc…  In my personal experience and research, particularly where I am located, finding a therapist/counselor that expresses that they are sex-positive or kink friendly is near, if not completely impossible.

So that is where I am this week, midterm exams looming over my head in two difficult classes.  I am fighting the desire to just put off studying and wing it, versus the requirements that I meet certain requirements.  Add to that my SO (D in training) has a crazy work schedule, and then there are our kids around.  I’ll be so happy when Spring finally arrives.  So needless to say, our kinky antics have to take a back burner more often than either of us would like.  I find myself researching to try to find alternative ways to embrace my submission.  Maybe, I can get him to just order me to study.  Though not sure if that would work.  I tend to compartmentalize our relationship, the children, school, and everything else that the world throws at me.  I still have not figured out how to balance it all.  What can I say I am a work in progress!

What I would really love more than anything is to be taken and ignore everything else for just one day.  But ‘normal’ life pulls in every direction.

So wish me luck on my upcoming exams!

As a side note, beginning March 1st I will be starting a blog series thanks to the support of some great people… so look for it.

Thanks Y’all,

-raxleanne

Where it all began…

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Journey back with me … almost 18 years old and I met a man, significantly older than I, while working at McDonald’s of all places. The way he spoke to me, sent shocks down to my core. My inexperienced immature mind had no idea what it meant. Over the course of a couple weeks, as my birthday approached, he made simple comments that I found myself spending hours upon hours hitting repeat in my head. With less than a week left til the big day, he walked straight up to me and asked me if I wanted to know how a woman is supposed to feel!! Stunned silent, I know I turned 10 shades of red, I retreated into my work and tried to avoid his glances as he ate his damn Big Mac, minus pickle and onion (24 years later and I can still remember that geez!)

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Dazed and Confused

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Is this really a possibility?  I sit here and wonder if this nagging feeling that I just cannot seem to let go of it stupid, a waste of time, or maybe, just maybe… possible.  When I ask close family and friends that understand (most of) my kinks and sexual stance, some are very supportive.  “Do what you want, people will either love it or hate it,” they say.  Others are a little more constructively critical.  Do I have a unique voice in the sex information/blogging/website stratosphere????? And the honest answer to that question is most likely no.  There are tons of websites and blogs devoted to sex, kink, even mental health and understanding how they all cohabitate.  So I find my self struggling to decide if this is something I really want to do.

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Here goes nothin’

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Staring at the blinking cursor, petrified at the implications of my written words blasted across the webiverse. I’ve written before, for my education, in a personal journal, as part of my submissive journey. BUT, I’ve never intentionally put anything online to share my inner most thoughts, secrets, or the scariest of all… my dreams. Where will my current path lead me? Is this the right step? How will it be perceived? Or… will it turn on me, lay myself open to ridicule and doubt. Does it really matter? My opinions, things I’ve learned. In all my reading, listening, and research, there is something missing.

So, who am I? Be careful what you ask, I warn you, I can be a handful. At my core, I am an extremely open-minded sexual individual. Always looking to make friends and learn new things… finally returning to active kink after a bit of a break. There is no category that really fits, I am a polyamorous heterosubmissive and homodominant. Looking to learn more of all the above.

What do I believe? Honestly, I believe everyone has the capacity to be kinky. I think that all too often our true selves are subjugated to living within the socially constructed confines of normality. Further, I believe that haters, rigid non-kinksters, and individuals that turn to verbal, and sometimes verbal, attacks to those of us that have embraced our primal desires, are merely conditioned to reject the things they do not understand.

Why am I doing this? There is a lot of information, online, in books, even podcasts related to sexual discovery, kink, and BDSM. Some I have ingested, plenty more that I have yet to explore. My personal journey involves the psychology of kink… the reasons behind why we have the desires we do, how to accept that they are part of us, and how to grow into a fully integrated, self-actualized individual. My official educational journey is not yet complete (1 more year, then on to specialization), however, there are tons of thoughts, ideas, and questions lurking already that are just screaming to get out. Therefore, instead of scribbling in some notebook or journal til my hand cramps, or saving dozens, or hundreds of Word documents onto my overloaded computer or in the cloud, I’ve come here.

Thanks for dropping by, and I’ll see you soon!

– raxleanne