Sex on Demand

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Day 20 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Many D/s or power exchange relationships include sexual availability as part of their negotiations.  It is not uncommon for a submissive to agree to being 100% sexually available to their Dominant.  But what does this really mean?

In general, any kind of sexual encounter within a D/s dynamic will fall within the health and physical wellbeing of the individuals.  That is, a Dominant is not likely to initiate sex when they do not feel well, neither should they initiate when their submissive is unwell, physically or mentally.  As with any kink, consent ONLY applies when the individual possesses the availability to give their consent. Therefore, being sexually available is still bound by consent.

That being said, being sexually available 24/7 typically means that a Dominant can request, take, or initiate sex whenever they desire.  This can be amazing.  As a submissive, with a high sex drive, the idea of just being told “Now” is such a turn on.  It also has the added side benefit of taking away any expectation for me to initiate any sexual encounter, which outside of D/s relationships has been a personal issue of mine. 

So where do you sit on the spectrum of sexual availability?  Are you a nighttime only, 24/7, only certain days or atmospheres, or has sexual availability even been discussed in your D/s relationship?  Drop a comment, I’d love to hear from you.

As always – thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Shoutout

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

Orgasm Control led to Squirting

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Day 19 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Orgasm control, the often mysterious and devilish act that can encompass everything from complete orgasm denial, edging, forced, multiple orgasms and so much more.  As a biological female and submissive, the idea of my Dominate having complete control over not only whether I do orgasm, but also the length and intensity of them is so…. HOT!

Squirting (female ejaculation)

In previous D/s dynamics, the Doms tended to enjoy more control over frequency then the forced or multiple orgasms.  It was thanks to orgasm denial for over a month that I first came to know that I could ejaculate.  Sometimes referred to as squirting, female ejaculation is not possible for every woman, but the ones that can will likely tell you that they gush more than squirt, especially if they are well hydrated.  Do not be manipulated by porn images of women gushing rivers.  While there can be quite a mess, those scenes are typically the result of the vaginal canal and even lower uterine space being filled with water at some point.  The muscles spasms cause the effect.  Reality is not hugely different.  If I have been a good girl, drinking the amount of water that I should, there is often a large wet spot left behind.  Lots of towels are a must in our sexual play.

Forced Orgasms

When it comes to forced orgasms, the most common from what I have been told are clitoral orgasms.  The clitoris becomes swollen and very sensitive during and after orgasm, so that in many cases, multiple or rolling (one after another, often indistinguishable) orgasms can occur easily, especially when using assisted manipulation; either a vibrator or partner.  In my experience, and of those I have talked to, rarely are we disciplined enough to force rolling orgasms.  In a way, the constant intensity needed is so overwhelming that we cannot keep up the pressure on our own.  However, a partner is not limited by the urge to stop, so they can make it just keep coming (pun intended).

Finally, whether you have experienced orgasm control, or are just curious, there are many different levels and ways that a power exchange dynamic can determine the amount of control.  If you have never given that power over, I encourage you to try it, you may be pleasantly surprised

As always – thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Shoutout

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

Kink without Sex??

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Day 18 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Is it possible to be kinky without having sex? Some might find it hard to understand, but there are plenty of ways that you can be kinky that do not directly involve sexual intercourse.  In fact, many dungeons do not allow sex on the premises due to city ordinances and such.  I know, I know… in many cases the people playing may be going home to have sex.  However, not necessarily.  There are times when people negotiate a one-time scene, in most of these cases they do not involve sex. 

Types of non-sexual D/s

Another dynamic that can be successful without kink is a D/s or other power exchange.  One good example of this is LDR (long distance relationships), there are plenty of LDR D/s couples that go an extended period between visits, some even years.  They are not able to have sexual contact, yet the power exchange can very much be a large part of their dynamic. 

The past

I previously had an online only D/s relationship, and due to the rules and protocols that we set in place, I grew in my submission leaps and bounds without ever having been in the same room.  Sexual submissives may struggle at first with a no-sex dynamic, I did, but found that the intimacy and connection was strong enough to fulfill me for the time we were in the power exchange.

My current relationship

In my current relationship, we are trying to negotiate some non-sexual power exchange.  Our struggle lies in not having as much experience; me with non-sexual in person submission, him with taking control outside of the bedroom.  I would love for our D/s to be 24/7, some day it will get there.

So, give me some ideas… what non-sexual ways do you express your D/s. 

As always – thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Shoutout

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s
Want more information???

Check out this link on Kinkly!

Categories: 30 days of discovery Tags: ,

Living in a Kink Desert

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Day 17 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Kinksters hear repeatedly that the best way to expand their understanding of kink is to get out and socialize within the kink community.  And I do not disagree.  However, for me there is no real community near me.  I am in the middle of the US and last I checked (10 minutes ago) the closest munch was almost 3 hours away.  There is a couple party houses about an hour away, but those are more the swingers scene.  Not that there is anything wrong with that, just not what I am looking for right now.

So… what do I do instead???

Well, for me, I am lucky that most people that know me, know about my kinks, or at least that I fully support the kink community.  I have a few close friends that I have been blessed with that do not judge my choices. Otherwise, I take to the internet.  For years I had an active profile on Fetlife, Tagged, and other websites that allow kinksters to interact.  I did recently reactivate my Fetlife account, and of course the creepy messages have already started; even though I have full disclosed that I am only looking to network and make friends.  I do know a few people that have been lucky on these sites and even others.  In most cases it seems that they find only one-time encounters, and the days of that for me are long gone.

If money were not an issue, I would finance a dungeon around here.  My D and I cannot be the only kinksters that would be interested.  And let’s face it, we are just like most people, we do not have the space and privacy necessary for a personal play room… although that is definitely on my wish list for after the kiddos are grown 😉

I am always open to suggestions.  Where have you found like minded people?  Have you made lasting friendships within the community?  And, what would your dream dungeon look like? 

As always – thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Shoutout

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

When Real Life Interferes With D/s

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Day 15 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Real life has a way of being like a freight train moving through the pleasure parts of our lives.  For me it is no different.  Trying to keep a deep D/s connection during times of increased stress must become a priority.

Recently a close family member was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer.  That was the reason for the trip last week.  However, even after returning home, the increase stress from the situation did not just disappear.  Maybe it is just me and my overactive mind that has such a hard time just letting go of the outside world.  I have found there are a couple of ways to handle these things in my D/s relationship. 

What we do that helps

Communication

First, communication, as always, is key.  Revealing to your partner what is going on in your head may seem simple enough, but when it comes to doing that thing called talking, we typically get in our own way.  However, high stress times make taking this step even more important.  From my own perspective, I know that if I am stressed and not able to verbalize why I can begin to fall down that rabbit whole that will cause an even bigger issue in my relationship(s).  Conversely, when my partner is highly stressed, I also have a hard time not taking on the pressure.  I blame myself or think that it is something I have caused or in the least am inadequate to fix.  This is when I find my submissive desires to be the strongest.  I try to just be there for my partner.  Eventually it seems to level back out.

Routine

Second, structure/protocols provide much need routine during times of increased stress.  The mind is an amazing thing, and when we institute routine into our daily lives, it helps the mind to calm, almost meditate.  I have learned from many others that the smallest tasks help to remind many submissives of their service.  On the other hand, Dominants benefit from the routine when outside stressors occur by being able to depend on their submissives to do those routine things.  They become as dependent on the routine as submissives do.

Take a break

Finally, do not be afraid to take a step back from the strict D/s, and just be with each other.  I find myself desiring the power dynamic so much, even depending on it, that I forget that beyond all of that we are two individuals that are walking this life together, and no labels are needed to define that.  Some people may disagree, or think that putting the power exchange on hold makes us less D/s.  However, when we come back, it ends up being a big comfort.  Almost like a lost love.

Want to be part of the conversation…

So, how do you deal with lives stressors? Do you dig your heals into your D/s? Does it take a backseat?

As always – thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Don’t forget to check out the rest of my blog and follow me on Twitter @raxleanne

Shoutout

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

Maintaining D/s When You’re Apart

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Day 15 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Another perfectly timed prompt.  It’s Spring Break time around here, and last weekend I took my kids and grandkids to see my sister.  We were gone for four days; leaving my sweet D home alone.  We did not plan to implement any specific D/s protocols while I was away.  However, I expected some of the normal daily routine.  One thing that is a daily way for us to connect is when D messages me when he gets to work.  I am usually still asleep when he leaves home and I see it as soon as I wake, and always message him back. 

When I panic or worry

For those in this part of the world, last Sunday was daylight savings time.  It also happened to be D’s day off, and the first time in forever waking to an empty house.  So, when I awoke to no message, my heart sank.  I tend to worry too much, so my mind immediately went to all the things that could go wrong on his way to work.  Why hadn’t I gotten a text?? So I messaged him.  A short while later, he messaged me that he had just woke up.  I felt like an idiot, not only did I forget it was daylight savings time, I forgot he did not work that day, and had spent at least an hour in panic over nothing.

My point is that there are often simple things that can be done when you are not with your D/s partner.  In my case, we now laugh about my reaction, but I have gotten every morning message since.  Try to find small ways to feel connected.  For some people there may be activities or protocols that will help you.  I do not have as much experience with Long Distance D/s, but if you are looking for help from people who lived it, definitely check out LovingBDSM, Kayla Lords and John Brownstone are a LDR turned 24/7 D/s couple who are proof that it can work.

As always – thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Shoutout

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

Rules in D/s

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https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwjEid_n2P_gAhVJT6wKHWCFDwUQjhx6BAgBEAM&url=https%3A%2F%2Finkgirlpoet.com%2F2015%2F06%2F23%2Ftime-out-a-conceptual-poem%2F&psig=AOvVaw24svvLWIVaM5J3c_fIVMV9&ust=1552586205937336

Day 14 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Rules smules… This is by far the hardest part of D/s for me.  In a “typical” D/s (or how I envision it) the Dominant partner sets particular rules that the submissive must then abide by (consensually of course).  The rules are often incorporated during negotiations and sometimes have specific goals in mind.  Other times, the rules may just be in place at the pleasure of the Dominant. 

Personal History

In a previous D/s relationship, I was expected to send messages with pictures at specific times throughout the day.  If I neglected, or simply forgot, then there would be consequences.  I despise punishment in any form, so I rarely strayed from the rules.  However, when I did, the feeling that I had disappointed my Dominant always outweighed whatever punishment was set forth.

New D/s relationship

In my current dynamic, since we are still very new to D/s and going slowly, there are few set rules.  This is further complicated by our outside vanilla influences such as children, work, school, etc.  The interesting thing is that I find myself yearning for more rules.  I wonder to myself if the act of implementing rules would make me feel more submissive.  It is worth a conversation.  Which is why this 30-days-of-discovery is so amazing.  I’ll have to update this if things change after the fact, hehe.

In closing, I will remind you that there are no set, hard-fast rules about rules.  They are as individualized as the persons involved in a relationship.  And they can, often do, and should change over time. 

Comment down below with some rule ideas.  Do you like the rules? Are there other rules you desire?

As always – thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Shoutout

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

How Do You Feel About Pain?

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Day 13 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Pleasurable Pain

Pain for pleasure is the S&M part of BDSM, meaning sadism and masochism.  However, pain is not a requirement for D/s.  Some people find pleasure in some levels of pain, giving or receiving, while others find it a turn off.  The important thing to remember is that wherever you fall on the spectrum, if you are playing with a consenting partner, that is your dynamic and it is just fine.

I happen to enjoy some levels of pain, specifically impact play.  Now, while I have not experienced all types of impact play, I have some masochistic tendencies.  One area where I find many people enjoy impact specifically is spankings.  Now a spanking can be a simple smack on your ass during sex, or a complete spanking session using one or more implements such as canes, floggers, or even hands.

New to inflicting pain

My partner is new to D/s and was raised that a man should never hit a woman, so it is taking some adjustment for him to find a level he is willing to inflict the pain that I desire.  This is a common issue, specifically with those individuals causing the pain.  They often must battle very deeply ingrained habits.  The best course of action I have found is constant communication.  I ask for my spankings for now, we have not reached a point where they can be used in the power exchange area of our dynamic.  By requesting them, I let him know that I am all in, I want it.  I also make sure to tell him how much I enjoyed the pain afterwards.  He is growing more confident, and I get a little more excited each time.

Spankings are not the only types of pain.  Honestly the list could go one forever.  However, in my research and conversations I have found that spankings, slaps, edging, and positioning are perhaps the most common.  No matter what type of pain you may find interesting, education, practice, caution, and intention need to be included.

A word of caution

One area that I suggest using extreme caution is mental pain.  I have only spoke to one individual that found pleasure from being the target of extremely painful mental dynamics.  In their case, they found pleasure from the mental breakdown in the building back up.  If this is hard to understand, what is sometimes referred to as a mindfuck would be a very mild form of mental pain.

So, to close this out for today: pain for me is a big turn on, BUT it does not have to be for everyone.  If you are curious about pain and the pleasure that it can bring, talk about it with your partner. 

As always, thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Shoutout

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s
Categories: 30 days of discovery Tags: , , ,

When Vanilla turns D/s

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Day 12 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Today’s topic hits very close to home for me.  While I have known that I am submissive for most of my adult life (even if I did not know the name of it lol), I entered my current relationship in a more vanilla way and coming up on five years together have only ventured into D/s over the past (almost) year.  I have never lied or withheld anything from my partner, so it was no real surprise when I broached the subject of taking our relationship in a D/s direction.  Thankfully, he was very receptive to the idea, even though he has no experience with D/s or really any kind of kink. 

The first conversation…

I was so nervous to bring the subject up, because I was afraid that he would take the idea as an insult to him and what he had to offer.  And that was the last thing that I wanted.  Having had prior experience with kink and D/s, I am aware of how much a relationship CAN benefit.  However, I did not approach this as a fix-all for our relationship issues either.  So, we went slow.  I expressed my desire as a ‘let’s try this thing’ with no real expectations that he would want to move forward and braced myself for rejection.  I got lucky.  Not only was he willing, he continues to be curious about all aspects of D/s.  And let’s face it kinky curiosity can be a very good thing.

Step one:

Where to start?  For us, the most logical place to start was to talk about limits and Safewords.  I sent him the list I have compiled over the years.  Get it HERE.  And simply asked that he take the time to read it, ask any questions, and made sure he understood that everything on this list was not a green light for me.  I also explained what is known as the light system of Safewords.  He took his time going through the list, which for impatient me was an interesting first step toward the new ‘potential’ power exchange. 

Step two:

The conversation/negotiation involved first going through and weeding out the things that neither of us have any interest in pursuing.  These included hard limits, as well as the items that we just are not turned on by or curious about.  Although, with such an extensive list, that still left plenty of ideas.  After that came the fun stuff, we talked about things that really made us excited.  And I was elated to find out that in quite a few areas, these matched.  Everything that was left we labeled as maybe, but not now.  We also included in the maybes things that would take some added education.  For example, rope bondage is not something anyone should just jump into without learning about safety and procedures.

Step three:

Playing for the first time after implementing the power exchange was an amazing turn on.  He was gentle and caring, in his sweet way, but was able to let in a little control that just made me melt.  One favorite kink of mine is asphyxiation, and we had played with it in the past, just a little, however because he now trusted me to balance him by using Safewords if I needed to, he was able to push himself and me farther than we dared before. 

Now, I will be the first to admit, we are still in the infant stages of this dynamic.  We are not rushing it.  Finding out where we are now and what we enjoy is the whole point.  Everything else will develop in time.

So, if you cannot tell, I am a bit excited to explore this new part of our relationship.  I finally feel like I am my genuine self again, and that is glorious!!

Shoutout:

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

As always, thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Consent: The only thing we truly own!

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Day 11 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Consent, a big scary word to people who do not understand the bottom line.  There are many times in our lives that we assume that another human being has given us their consent.  Whether it be expressing our personal opinions on their behavior (common in today’s world) or taking silence as an understood consent.  Consent in D/s is a bit deeper, and significantly more important.  A newer phrase regarding sexual activity is enthusiastic consent.  And while I completely agree with the concept of enthusiastic consent, I still struggle to imagine my younger self using it, especially in times when I was unaware of how or what was going to happen.  In theory, it is a great idea.  If the person you are with unequivocally states “Yes, I want to proceed” there is little room for misunderstanding. 

Complications

The problems with consent arise when there are other types of consent, for example non-verbal.  If you are in the middle kissing someone and move your hand along their skin, if they show no signs of protest, is that consent?  This is where consent gets a little fuzzy.  The ideal would say, do not do anything without undeniable affirmation that you have the other’s permission to continue.  But there are plenty of times that we assume consent has been given. 

In a long-term relationship, there is likely few instances where verbal consent is expressed.  For example, A couple who has been married for five years will have methods of showing affection to one another that strangers would (or should) never use without consent.  My uncle routinely rubs his bowl on his wife’s breast before using it.  If a stranger did that to me, umm… can you say assault??  But it has become second nature to them, especially after being married over fifty years… yes, they are adorable.

Sexual interactions between adults with all their mental capacities will likely involve some level of consent.  Even in situations known as consensual non-consent; consent still exists and has hopefully been well negotiated.  Consensual non-consent refers to things like rape fantasy or even as simple as primal sex where part of the playing involves continuing even if someone says no.  These are situations that require the use of Safewords.  For specific info on Safewords go here. 

Informed Consent

Informed Consent is a regular thing in medical or mental health treatment, but it simply means that whomever is giving consent has been apprised of all the potential risk that may be involved.  In D/s this can be implemented by negotiation of what is expected and some added discussion of what happens when things do not turn out as expected. 

My take…

For me, I believe intent goes a long way in consent.  Accidents happen, in D/s triggers, for example, can come out of seemingly anywhere.  As a submissive it is my responsibility to be aware of potential triggers if I can and warn my partner(s).  But what happens when something is trigger that I do not expect, that is where intent comes in; I had given my consent to the play, my partner will have given his consent to play as well as being as aware as possible of potential triggers, but something still goes wonky.  In this situation, consent should be temporarily withdrawn by use of Safewords.  But that does not mean that the partner did anything wrong.

I could go on forever about specific instances involving consent.  The bottom line is that you need to know that your partner is willingly involved in what ever activity is going on.

WHEN IN DOUBT, TALK IT OUT!

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

As always, thanks for stopping by – raxleanne