Day 11 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s
Consent, a big scary word to people who do not understand
the bottom line. There are many times in
our lives that we assume that another human being has given us their consent. Whether it be expressing our personal
opinions on their behavior (common in today’s world) or taking silence as an understood
consent. Consent in D/s is a bit deeper,
and significantly more important. A newer
phrase regarding sexual activity is enthusiastic consent. And while I completely agree with the concept
of enthusiastic consent, I still struggle to imagine my younger self using it,
especially in times when I was unaware of how or what was going to happen. In theory, it is a great idea. If the person you are with unequivocally states
“Yes, I want to proceed” there is little room for misunderstanding.
The problems with consent arise when there are other types
of consent, for example non-verbal. If
you are in the middle kissing someone and move your hand along their skin, if
they show no signs of protest, is that consent?
This is where consent gets a little fuzzy. The ideal would say, do not do anything
without undeniable affirmation that you have the other’s permission to
continue. But there are plenty of times
that we assume consent has been given.
In a long-term relationship, there is likely few instances
where verbal consent is expressed. For
example, A couple who has been married for five years will have methods of
showing affection to one another that strangers would (or should) never use
without consent. My uncle routinely rubs
his bowl on his wife’s breast before using it.
If a stranger did that to me, umm… can you say assault?? But it has become second nature to them, especially
after being married over fifty years… yes, they are adorable.
Sexual interactions between adults with all their mental capacities
will likely involve some level of consent.
Even in situations known as consensual non-consent; consent still exists
and has hopefully been well negotiated.
Consensual non-consent refers to things like rape fantasy or even as
simple as primal sex where part of the playing involves continuing even if someone
says no. These are situations that require
the use of Safewords. For specific info
on Safewords go here.
Informed Consent is a regular thing in medical or mental
health treatment, but it simply means that whomever is giving consent has been apprised
of all the potential risk that may be involved.
In D/s this can be implemented by negotiation of what is expected and
some added discussion of what happens when things do not turn out as
For me, I believe intent goes a long way in consent. Accidents happen, in D/s triggers, for
example, can come out of seemingly anywhere.
As a submissive it is my responsibility to be aware of potential
triggers if I can and warn my partner(s).
But what happens when something is trigger that I do not expect, that is
where intent comes in; I had given my consent to the play, my partner will have
given his consent to play as well as being as aware as possible of potential
triggers, but something still goes wonky.
In this situation, consent should be temporarily withdrawn by use of Safewords. But that does not mean that the partner did
I could go on forever about specific instances involving
consent. The bottom line is that you
need to know that your partner is willingly involved in what ever activity is
WHEN IN DOUBT, TALK IT OUT!
The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here. if you would like to join in, check them out. If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.
As always, thanks for stopping by – raxleanne