When Sex Takes a Backseat to Relationship Troubles

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I grew up hearing the old saying “Don’t go to bed angry.” And somewhere between then and now, I gave up on the expectation that every problem can be resolved before your head hits the pillow.

Sex drops down the list of priorities when a relationship is in trouble

I can’t be the only one who does not feel the least bit sexy when frustrations in my relationship cause tension throughout the day. And when disagreement and stress lasts more than a day or two, sex is the furthest thing from my mind.

I still have desires and fantasies, don’t get me wrong. However, I can’t help but think that my partner, and definitely previous partners take having sex as a sign that everything is just fine. Am I wrong? So, I don’t engage in sex when there are issues outside the bedroom left unresolved.

I end up being the Bitch

Some people have called me a bitch, claiming I use sex as a way to control my partner, or get them to do what I want. And maybe that is true. BUT, I have a hard time compartmentalizing my sexual feelings and my other thoughts. So when the days are filled with negative energy, for whatever reason. I can’t just shut it off and get turned on, or at least I don’t want to.

Yes, I know, communication is the key to a long and happy relationship. I can here Kayla Lords saying it over and over again in my head. Communication should definitely be the cornerstone of any D/s relationship. But let’s face it, sometimes real life gets in the way of any type of kinky fun.

Time to put up or shut up

So I have come to a crossroads. The most recent issues seem to continue as unresolved. I am just not ready to move on and accept defeat and no reasonable compromise seems in site. I am not sure what this means for my relationship as a whole, but I do know that the power exchange that was part of our D/s will need some renegotiation.

Well thanks for listening to my tattered ramblings… and don’t worry, I’ll keep you posted.

Categories: My Complicated Life Tags: , ,

When Kink is Hard

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You might think that with a title like that I’m referring to impact play or rough kinky sex. However, I mean just the opposite. I’ve come to realize that kink is not always an easy thing to do. Sure my mind is full of amazing fantasies, but the truth is, it is sometimes work. More work than it probably should be.

Sex in general in an ongoing relationship sometimes gets lost between work schedules, kids activities, and just being tired. It’s hard to feel sexy when you or your partner is in pain as well.

This last week my back has been causing me to be in a near constant state of pain. And, while I’m fully aware there are sexy, kinky things that we can do that do not exaggerate the pain. When I’m fighting pain, the farthest thing from my mind is kinky fuckery. Then, I end up fighting the inevitable guilt. I’m the one in our relationship with the higher sex drive typically, so for me to shy away from sexual activities, it is a definite sign that I’m hurting, probably more than I’m willing to admit.

So I end up pondering what I should do. I know the evil shoulda, coulda, or wouldas. But there is some sense to my madness, I think. If I’m not sexually available to my partner, my dominant, the man I love, we tend to stagnate. Sex is a habit, therefore not having sex, even if it’s for good reasons becomes a habit.

When I’m in pain, laying in bed is one of the worst things for my back. Add that to my tendency toward being a major night owl, it becomes very easy for me to stay up quite late instead of going to bed. And since his work schedule is crazy right now, that means he’s usually asleep by 11pm at the latest. For me, that might as well be mid-evening.

So what’s a gal to do? I flash back to awkward moments when I understood my parents were signaling each other for sex. Though to this day, my mother swears all those knee rubs didn’t end in sex. A time when sex was treated like a duty instead of a pleasure.

So I guess I’m just admitting that sex and kink are sometimes work. Thank goodness the payoff is usually worth it 😉

Rules in D/s

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Day 14 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Rules smules… This is by far the hardest part of D/s for me.  In a “typical” D/s (or how I envision it) the Dominant partner sets particular rules that the submissive must then abide by (consensually of course).  The rules are often incorporated during negotiations and sometimes have specific goals in mind.  Other times, the rules may just be in place at the pleasure of the Dominant. 

Personal History

In a previous D/s relationship, I was expected to send messages with pictures at specific times throughout the day.  If I neglected, or simply forgot, then there would be consequences.  I despise punishment in any form, so I rarely strayed from the rules.  However, when I did, the feeling that I had disappointed my Dominant always outweighed whatever punishment was set forth.

New D/s relationship

In my current dynamic, since we are still very new to D/s and going slowly, there are few set rules.  This is further complicated by our outside vanilla influences such as children, work, school, etc.  The interesting thing is that I find myself yearning for more rules.  I wonder to myself if the act of implementing rules would make me feel more submissive.  It is worth a conversation.  Which is why this 30-days-of-discovery is so amazing.  I’ll have to update this if things change after the fact, hehe.

In closing, I will remind you that there are no set, hard-fast rules about rules.  They are as individualized as the persons involved in a relationship.  And they can, often do, and should change over time. 

Comment down below with some rule ideas.  Do you like the rules? Are there other rules you desire?

As always – thanks for stopping by – raxleanne


The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

When Vanilla turns D/s

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Day 12 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Today’s topic hits very close to home for me.  While I have known that I am submissive for most of my adult life (even if I did not know the name of it lol), I entered my current relationship in a more vanilla way and coming up on five years together have only ventured into D/s over the past (almost) year.  I have never lied or withheld anything from my partner, so it was no real surprise when I broached the subject of taking our relationship in a D/s direction.  Thankfully, he was very receptive to the idea, even though he has no experience with D/s or really any kind of kink. 

The first conversation…

I was so nervous to bring the subject up, because I was afraid that he would take the idea as an insult to him and what he had to offer.  And that was the last thing that I wanted.  Having had prior experience with kink and D/s, I am aware of how much a relationship CAN benefit.  However, I did not approach this as a fix-all for our relationship issues either.  So, we went slow.  I expressed my desire as a ‘let’s try this thing’ with no real expectations that he would want to move forward and braced myself for rejection.  I got lucky.  Not only was he willing, he continues to be curious about all aspects of D/s.  And let’s face it kinky curiosity can be a very good thing.

Step one:

Where to start?  For us, the most logical place to start was to talk about limits and Safewords.  I sent him the list I have compiled over the years.  Get it HERE.  And simply asked that he take the time to read it, ask any questions, and made sure he understood that everything on this list was not a green light for me.  I also explained what is known as the light system of Safewords.  He took his time going through the list, which for impatient me was an interesting first step toward the new ‘potential’ power exchange. 

Step two:

The conversation/negotiation involved first going through and weeding out the things that neither of us have any interest in pursuing.  These included hard limits, as well as the items that we just are not turned on by or curious about.  Although, with such an extensive list, that still left plenty of ideas.  After that came the fun stuff, we talked about things that really made us excited.  And I was elated to find out that in quite a few areas, these matched.  Everything that was left we labeled as maybe, but not now.  We also included in the maybes things that would take some added education.  For example, rope bondage is not something anyone should just jump into without learning about safety and procedures.

Step three:

Playing for the first time after implementing the power exchange was an amazing turn on.  He was gentle and caring, in his sweet way, but was able to let in a little control that just made me melt.  One favorite kink of mine is asphyxiation, and we had played with it in the past, just a little, however because he now trusted me to balance him by using Safewords if I needed to, he was able to push himself and me farther than we dared before. 

Now, I will be the first to admit, we are still in the infant stages of this dynamic.  We are not rushing it.  Finding out where we are now and what we enjoy is the whole point.  Everything else will develop in time.

So, if you cannot tell, I am a bit excited to explore this new part of our relationship.  I finally feel like I am my genuine self again, and that is glorious!!


The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

As always, thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Conflicts, How we manage

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On Day 6 of 30 days of D/s, the topic is Conflicts. 

This is a difficult area for me personally, as I am a person who can handle other people’s difficulties and conflicts, but when it comes to my own… not so much.  I grew up in a difficult family, my father was an abusive alcoholic, so we spent most of our time walking on egg shells to avoid the next blow up.  Jump forward, I had a couple of previous relationships, where screaming matches seemed to be the only way to communicate. 

Today, my biggest struggle is voicing my concerns, discontent, or any unhappiness.  In short, I hate to fight or disagree with my partner, and find it easier (at the time) to just not say anything. (I know, how shockingly submissive of me!) I’m sure it is not hard to guess that not saying anything does not work either. 

So… I draw on the foundation of D/s as I know it, which is communication, sometimes even over-communication.  Before we decided we would slowly add D/s to our current relationship, we talked, and talked, and talked some more about the smallest things that were going on.  I often resort to writing letters or long texts, simply so my emotions will not take over and I can make sure to get my points across.  He is then able to contemplate my meaning without becoming defensive.  So far, it has worked for us.  We talk every day, gauge where we are and where we need or want to be and figure out how to get there.

What ways do you and your partner(s) deal with conflict?

Again, I want to give a shout out to LovingBDSM for providing the prompts.  Go check them out!!

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

What Does Dominance Mean to You?

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Ok, first things first, I must give a shout out to Kayla Lords and John Brownstone over at LovingBDSM for providing a wonderful workbook/ email opt-in to work with.   After subscribing to the email list, I later purchased the digital workbook to use to increase communication with my (new to D/s) partner.  Now, I am going to take this a bit further and use it as (ideally) 30 posts in 30 days.  I am hoping this will not only help you to get to know me but improve how much I know about myself.  Again, thanks LovingBDSM!  So, if you find this helpful, want to join the email list, purchase the workbook, or are just curious about all things kinky, go over and check them out, they are great people, doing great work.

So, the prompt for this first post is What Does Dominance Mean to You?

                For me, the first word that I immediately associate with Dominance is control, followed closely behind by protection.  To dominate someone else should require that the person doing the dominating have, at minimum, a realistic and honest drive to keep the other person safe.  And I mean safe from both physical and mental harm.  Dominance, IMHO, also requires an ongoing education.  Just because someone likes to take control, does NOT mean they should be trusted with it.

                In a relationship, I envision dominance in many different domains.  Sexual dominance can be as simple as being the person who initiates contact, with consent.  Financial dominance; it is not uncommon for one member of a couple to take control of balancing the checkbook, paying the bills, even being the primary income.  Professional dominance is something I envision as the cooperate tiger, who has their way in all matters business related.  Then there is parental dominance, this is the dominance and responsibility ALL parents should have with their children, including guidance, education, direction, understanding and supporting both financially and emotionally.

However, a Dominant in the D/s, sense has a much larger responsibility.  A “true” Dominant CAN be all the above, or just one or more.  A Dominant is the lucky recipient of the trust from a submissive that in every way, they will put the safety of what ever they are being given dominance of; whether that be orgasm control, discipline, or a myriad of other ‘things’ that a submissive has the ability to give up control.  A good Dominant, IMHO, will be a caregiver, gentle, understanding, offer leadership, take on the responsibility of both self-improvement and their submissive’s (and any others they care for) overall improvement.  They will also be humble, possess the ability to recognize their own deficiencies, and have the courage to look for ways to paths do decrease such deficiencies.  Above everything a Dominant must earn respect from their submissive.  Respect and trust are such critical and fragile things that they must be of the foremost importance.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

Fat people get horny too!!

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Have you ever looked at anything selling sex,  sex toys,  or suggestable clothing and noticed there are very few that show models,  specifically women, above a size 4 or so? Even sites claiming to cater to plus sized individuals, really display plus sized models,  and IF they do,  they might be a size 16.  The average dress in the US is somewhere around 14-16 for women,  yet the models are always tiny.

Now, I will be the first person to admit that there has been some improvements,  in magazines and other media, but not so much in shopping.  Jump over to Amazon and search for plus sized clothing and I’ll bet there is not one picture of a plus sized women,  even when the sizes available to purchase start at XL.  I don’t know about you,  but I’d like a better idea of what something might look like on someone closer to my size!

Clothing sales isn’t the only place this occurs.  Trying to purchase sex related gear or toys turns out the same way,  advertisements always feature porn-ish pictures of people in the throws of passion never having to struggle to reach their clit, or if they can reach it,  how out of breath it makes them.  Maybe that’s just me.

I’d pay good money for products that show honesty in their advertising… the fishnet stockings where the holes are stretched more around luscious thighs,  the corset that shows something bigger than an A cup with a like spillage over the top.  We’d all benefit from less expectation to meet some socially accepted stereotype of what is sexy.

I’ve met people of all shapes and sizes that not only want sex,  but actively attempt to shop for things that make them feel sex or enhance their sexual exploits.  Just give me some sexy,  comfy outfits for this big ass and I’ll be happy.

What stresses you when it comes to sex related purchases? What would you like to see,  or what would convince you to buy?

– raxleanne

When “normal” gets in the way…


So you may or may not know at this point that I am in Graduate School.  I am working toward becoming a counselor/therapist that will specialize in kink friendly, sex-positive, mental health services for “alternative” sexuality, gender, lifestyles, etc…  In my personal experience and research, particularly where I am located, finding a therapist/counselor that expresses that they are sex-positive or kink friendly is near, if not completely impossible.

So that is where I am this week, midterm exams looming over my head in two difficult classes.  I am fighting the desire to just put off studying and wing it, versus the requirements that I meet certain requirements.  Add to that my SO (D in training) has a crazy work schedule, and then there are our kids around.  I’ll be so happy when Spring finally arrives.  So needless to say, our kinky antics have to take a back burner more often than either of us would like.  I find myself researching to try to find alternative ways to embrace my submission.  Maybe, I can get him to just order me to study.  Though not sure if that would work.  I tend to compartmentalize our relationship, the children, school, and everything else that the world throws at me.  I still have not figured out how to balance it all.  What can I say I am a work in progress!

What I would really love more than anything is to be taken and ignore everything else for just one day.  But ‘normal’ life pulls in every direction.

So wish me luck on my upcoming exams!

As a side note, beginning March 1st I will be starting a blog series thanks to the support of some great people… so look for it.

Thanks Y’all,