On Day 7 of 30 days of D/s, the topic is Communication
Communication is by far the most important aspect of any D/s
relationship. Communication is used in
negotiations, during any power exchange, scenes, or play, and even
aftercare. Communication includes not
only verbal, but non-verbal cues.
Throughout a relationship communication can and should change and as
trust increases, non-verbal communication can increase.
Negotiation communication is the primarily the time when expectations,
desires, and especially concerns should be addressed. For many people negotiations may take on a
formal feeling, some even using contracts or written lists to help facilitate communication. One common thing may people use to help this
part is lists, there are many, many kink lists out there that can be used to
determine likes, dislikes, and curiosities that people may have in common and
areas they want to explore together. For
me and my partner, this was one of the first steps I used to introduce what
things could be included in our D/s dynamic.
Play time is not void of communication. Most individuals in BDSM are familiar (or should
be) with the use of safe words. My
partner and I use the light system, which has gained popularity over the years,
but in previous relationships I used mundane non-sexual words, such as bicycle or
popcorn (the light system is so much easier to use because most people are
familiar with what the colors red, yellow, and green mean. Stop, proceed with care, and GO! This is also
a time to pay close attention to non-verbal communication. For me, it is not uncommon to lose the
ability to form words during particularly intense scenes, I also have a bad
habit of holding my breath during orgasm, so that if they are coming (pun
intended lol) one after another, I have been known to pass out. So that means that my partner needs to pay
attention. Luckily it has only lasted
for a few seconds, and I am able to communicate that I am ok. Though I have never used an object to
communicate, it is something I have heard of many times. For example, if a ball gag, or other device makes
verbal communication difficult, an object such as a ball in the hand can be used. When the person drops the ball, all play
Aftercare communication is more important than people
sometimes realize. Especially during
times when limits have been pushed, or play has stopped abruptly. It is important to follow up with your
partner to assist them in any way they need.
Everyone is different. For me, if
I have pushed my personal limits, I need time to analyze it myself before being
able to communicate with my partner.
Sometimes this can take just a few minutes, other times this has taken
days. In either situation, it is
important for the partner to be open and understanding. Help, whether it be water, food, or just being
held. Do not rush the person that needs
to think things through. In instances
where a safe word has been used, it is important afterward to discuss the
reasons behind using the safe word, but never blame or use accusations. Safe words can be used for so many different reasons,
physical issues or mental issues, such as triggers, fear, or overwhelming misunderstood
emotions can take time to figure out.
As someone who has been blamed for stopping play too soon,
it is dangerous to say or show negative feelings during aftercare, it can only
lead to more complications in the future.
Just be supportive in any way they need.
Dominants can use safe words or stop play at any time for a
number or reasons as well. In these
times, it is important for a submissive to be open to the Dominant, if they
need to discuss the reasons why. This
may be especially important when a Dominant begins a new type of play, for
example impact play. Men, particularly
in western culture, are raised and taught by society that they should never hit
a woman. When the woman they are with desires
that impact, or the man desires to give that impact, sometimes it takes a bit
to reconcile that with how they were raised.
Take your time, go slow and use constant reassurance that the Dominant
is doing what you want them to do. Praise
and thanks when a Dominant fills a need is always a good thing. Currently, my partner and I are trying to discover
what types of impact he is comfortable with coupled with what I enjoy. It is a slow process, but the learning stages
can be so much fun.
Finally, never confuse communication and assumptions. Assumptions in D/s can be very hazardous. Communication, on the other hand will lead to
deep trust and understanding.
When in doubt- Talk it out!!!
Again, I want to give a shout out to LovingBDSM for providing the prompts. Go check them out!!