Rules in D/s

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Day 14 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Rules smules… This is by far the hardest part of D/s for me.  In a “typical” D/s (or how I envision it) the Dominant partner sets particular rules that the submissive must then abide by (consensually of course).  The rules are often incorporated during negotiations and sometimes have specific goals in mind.  Other times, the rules may just be in place at the pleasure of the Dominant. 

Personal History

In a previous D/s relationship, I was expected to send messages with pictures at specific times throughout the day.  If I neglected, or simply forgot, then there would be consequences.  I despise punishment in any form, so I rarely strayed from the rules.  However, when I did, the feeling that I had disappointed my Dominant always outweighed whatever punishment was set forth.

New D/s relationship

In my current dynamic, since we are still very new to D/s and going slowly, there are few set rules.  This is further complicated by our outside vanilla influences such as children, work, school, etc.  The interesting thing is that I find myself yearning for more rules.  I wonder to myself if the act of implementing rules would make me feel more submissive.  It is worth a conversation.  Which is why this 30-days-of-discovery is so amazing.  I’ll have to update this if things change after the fact, hehe.

In closing, I will remind you that there are no set, hard-fast rules about rules.  They are as individualized as the persons involved in a relationship.  And they can, often do, and should change over time. 

Comment down below with some rule ideas.  Do you like the rules? Are there other rules you desire?

As always – thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Shoutout

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

When Vanilla turns D/s

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Day 12 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Today’s topic hits very close to home for me.  While I have known that I am submissive for most of my adult life (even if I did not know the name of it lol), I entered my current relationship in a more vanilla way and coming up on five years together have only ventured into D/s over the past (almost) year.  I have never lied or withheld anything from my partner, so it was no real surprise when I broached the subject of taking our relationship in a D/s direction.  Thankfully, he was very receptive to the idea, even though he has no experience with D/s or really any kind of kink. 

The first conversation…

I was so nervous to bring the subject up, because I was afraid that he would take the idea as an insult to him and what he had to offer.  And that was the last thing that I wanted.  Having had prior experience with kink and D/s, I am aware of how much a relationship CAN benefit.  However, I did not approach this as a fix-all for our relationship issues either.  So, we went slow.  I expressed my desire as a ‘let’s try this thing’ with no real expectations that he would want to move forward and braced myself for rejection.  I got lucky.  Not only was he willing, he continues to be curious about all aspects of D/s.  And let’s face it kinky curiosity can be a very good thing.

Step one:

Where to start?  For us, the most logical place to start was to talk about limits and Safewords.  I sent him the list I have compiled over the years.  Get it HERE.  And simply asked that he take the time to read it, ask any questions, and made sure he understood that everything on this list was not a green light for me.  I also explained what is known as the light system of Safewords.  He took his time going through the list, which for impatient me was an interesting first step toward the new ‘potential’ power exchange. 

Step two:

The conversation/negotiation involved first going through and weeding out the things that neither of us have any interest in pursuing.  These included hard limits, as well as the items that we just are not turned on by or curious about.  Although, with such an extensive list, that still left plenty of ideas.  After that came the fun stuff, we talked about things that really made us excited.  And I was elated to find out that in quite a few areas, these matched.  Everything that was left we labeled as maybe, but not now.  We also included in the maybes things that would take some added education.  For example, rope bondage is not something anyone should just jump into without learning about safety and procedures.

Step three:

Playing for the first time after implementing the power exchange was an amazing turn on.  He was gentle and caring, in his sweet way, but was able to let in a little control that just made me melt.  One favorite kink of mine is asphyxiation, and we had played with it in the past, just a little, however because he now trusted me to balance him by using Safewords if I needed to, he was able to push himself and me farther than we dared before. 

Now, I will be the first to admit, we are still in the infant stages of this dynamic.  We are not rushing it.  Finding out where we are now and what we enjoy is the whole point.  Everything else will develop in time.

So, if you cannot tell, I am a bit excited to explore this new part of our relationship.  I finally feel like I am my genuine self again, and that is glorious!!

Shoutout:

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

As always, thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Communication in D/s

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On Day 7 of 30 days of D/s, the topic is Communication

Communication is by far the most important aspect of any D/s relationship.  Communication is used in negotiations, during any power exchange, scenes, or play, and even aftercare.  Communication includes not only verbal, but non-verbal cues.  Throughout a relationship communication can and should change and as trust increases, non-verbal communication can increase.

Negotiation communication is the primarily the time when expectations, desires, and especially concerns should be addressed.  For many people negotiations may take on a formal feeling, some even using contracts or written lists to help facilitate communication.  One common thing may people use to help this part is lists, there are many, many kink lists out there that can be used to determine likes, dislikes, and curiosities that people may have in common and areas they want to explore together.  For me and my partner, this was one of the first steps I used to introduce what things could be included in our D/s dynamic.

Play time is not void of communication.  Most individuals in BDSM are familiar (or should be) with the use of safe words.  My partner and I use the light system, which has gained popularity over the years, but in previous relationships I used mundane non-sexual words, such as bicycle or popcorn (the light system is so much easier to use because most people are familiar with what the colors red, yellow, and green mean.  Stop, proceed with care, and GO! This is also a time to pay close attention to non-verbal communication.  For me, it is not uncommon to lose the ability to form words during particularly intense scenes, I also have a bad habit of holding my breath during orgasm, so that if they are coming (pun intended lol) one after another, I have been known to pass out.  So that means that my partner needs to pay attention.  Luckily it has only lasted for a few seconds, and I am able to communicate that I am ok.  Though I have never used an object to communicate, it is something I have heard of many times.  For example, if a ball gag, or other device makes verbal communication difficult, an object such as a ball in the hand can be used.  When the person drops the ball, all play stops.

Aftercare communication is more important than people sometimes realize.  Especially during times when limits have been pushed, or play has stopped abruptly.  It is important to follow up with your partner to assist them in any way they need.  Everyone is different.  For me, if I have pushed my personal limits, I need time to analyze it myself before being able to communicate with my partner.  Sometimes this can take just a few minutes, other times this has taken days.  In either situation, it is important for the partner to be open and understanding.  Help, whether it be water, food, or just being held.  Do not rush the person that needs to think things through.  In instances where a safe word has been used, it is important afterward to discuss the reasons behind using the safe word, but never blame or use accusations.  Safe words can be used for so many different reasons, physical issues or mental issues, such as triggers, fear, or overwhelming misunderstood emotions can take time to figure out. 

As someone who has been blamed for stopping play too soon, it is dangerous to say or show negative feelings during aftercare, it can only lead to more complications in the future.  Just be supportive in any way they need.

Dominants can use safe words or stop play at any time for a number or reasons as well.  In these times, it is important for a submissive to be open to the Dominant, if they need to discuss the reasons why.  This may be especially important when a Dominant begins a new type of play, for example impact play.  Men, particularly in western culture, are raised and taught by society that they should never hit a woman.  When the woman they are with desires that impact, or the man desires to give that impact, sometimes it takes a bit to reconcile that with how they were raised.  Take your time, go slow and use constant reassurance that the Dominant is doing what you want them to do.  Praise and thanks when a Dominant fills a need is always a good thing.  Currently, my partner and I are trying to discover what types of impact he is comfortable with coupled with what I enjoy.  It is a slow process, but the learning stages can be so much fun. 

Finally, never confuse communication and assumptions.  Assumptions in D/s can be very hazardous.  Communication, on the other hand will lead to deep trust and understanding. 

When in doubt- Talk it out!!!

Again, I want to give a shout out to LovingBDSM for providing the prompts.  Go check them out!!

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

Conflicts, How we manage

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On Day 6 of 30 days of D/s, the topic is Conflicts. 

This is a difficult area for me personally, as I am a person who can handle other people’s difficulties and conflicts, but when it comes to my own… not so much.  I grew up in a difficult family, my father was an abusive alcoholic, so we spent most of our time walking on egg shells to avoid the next blow up.  Jump forward, I had a couple of previous relationships, where screaming matches seemed to be the only way to communicate. 

Today, my biggest struggle is voicing my concerns, discontent, or any unhappiness.  In short, I hate to fight or disagree with my partner, and find it easier (at the time) to just not say anything. (I know, how shockingly submissive of me!) I’m sure it is not hard to guess that not saying anything does not work either. 

So… I draw on the foundation of D/s as I know it, which is communication, sometimes even over-communication.  Before we decided we would slowly add D/s to our current relationship, we talked, and talked, and talked some more about the smallest things that were going on.  I often resort to writing letters or long texts, simply so my emotions will not take over and I can make sure to get my points across.  He is then able to contemplate my meaning without becoming defensive.  So far, it has worked for us.  We talk every day, gauge where we are and where we need or want to be and figure out how to get there.

What ways do you and your partner(s) deal with conflict?

Again, I want to give a shout out to LovingBDSM for providing the prompts.  Go check them out!!

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

Discipline and Punishment

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Discipline and Punishment might bring about horrific memories of switches and the principal’s office for some.  For others, visions of regimented households where everything has its place, and everything is always in its place.  For me, discipline, falls somewhere in between, and punishment causes echoes of another kind of terror.  It is not uncommon for fears from younger days to transfer into triggers later in life, so anyone wanting to take the leap into BDSM, or similar power exchange relationships should be aware that these things can crop up at, typically, the most in opportune times.  There is nothing scarier than having flashbacks to a time when flyswatters and belts were the normal weapons of punishment, and they do not make you feel sexy or submissive. 

In my personal experience, discipline and punishment should be approached in the D/s dynamic with caution.  Open communication about previous experiences, both surrounding BDSM and in the ‘regular’ areas of life may help to stave off more intense triggers. 

Discipline can be confused with punishment and gets even harder to differentiate when “funishment” becomes part of a dynamic.  Whatever form discipline may take, there are many things to take into consideration.  One thing that I must deal with on a regular basis is physical limitations that may be as slight as mild discomfort, but more often include sharp, debilitating pain that makes even walking across a room difficult.  Therefore, the use of punishment as a deterrent, may be less effective, if the original act causes discomfort or pain. 

In my current dynamic, the focus of discipline has mostly been on improving my health.  Since this is something I am fully behind, I have not had the need for punishment…yet.  In the past, though not specifically called punishment, withholding sex was, unfortunately, the result of my “bad” behavior.  Now, I will say this is no longer the case, communication and renegotiation of those instances have resolved that punishment, as it was especially non-effective.

So what are your views on discipline and punishment? Do they differ now than they did before D/s?

Again this post is part of an ongoing series called 30 Days of D/s from LovingBDSM. If you haven’t checked them out yet, please do…

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

-raxleanne

What Titles and Labels Do You Prefer?

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Titles are one of those things in D/s, or even BDSM, that can be either/both positive and negative.  Generally, I have a strong disdain for labels of any type.  Titles and labels give others a way of fitting someone into a preconceived mold of how they think they should appear, behave, or even what people they should then be partnered with.  If I was forced to pick one title to express myself at this point in my life, the simplest is submissive.  However, I also have switch behaviors, most typically I would be classified as a bottom, and I also have a few babygirl tendencies that will crop up from time to time.  I am a masochist, though some may consider me masochist-lite due to my preference against some of the more severe aspects of impact play.  In the past, I did embrace the titles pet, baby, and little, though they just do not fit me these days.

Titles/labels for my partners have changed over the years as well.  My first recognizable D/s (refer to Where it all began… for earlier experiences) was simple.  It was his desire that he be called Sir, and I obliged, however, my title was usually woman.  He took on the more domineering role that many associate with dominance, thanks to porn and media.  Another relationship was mostly long distance, from the beginning he wanted me to call him Master, but never really gave me a title, he was focused on my use of ‘yes, Master’ or ‘what ever you wish, Master’.  Looking back now, I can see how I was subjugated, and not completely honored. 

Fast forward to my current relationship, we have not really discussed labels or titles.  In the most D/s moments, he will use terms like ‘mine’, and it just makes me melt.  I have concluded that titles and labels may help to explain to someone a side of my personality, so that is really the only time I use them beyond sub/submissive, and Dom/Dominant for my partner.

What titles/labels do you/have you used?  Are there ones that you dislike or stay away from?

Admittedly, I was leery of the title Daddy, until recently.  Though it is still not one I could see myself using, I have a better understanding of the Daddy/Caregiver personality.  Thanks mostly to John Brownstone and Kayla Lords over at LovingBDSM.  They have taught me how different a Daddy Dom can be to my own preconceived notions in the past.  Also, they are who to thing for this topic… help me give them a thumbs up by checking them out!!

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

What Does Submission Mean to You?

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Day 2 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s 

If you would have asked me a decade ago what submission meant or was, I would have simply answered serving another, or giving up control to another person.  While yes, that is part of submission, it has since taken on so much more.  Submission involves an innate desire to be taken care of, supported, molded, and in an ever-evolving state of improvement.  Submission is best embrace when there is a trusting guide, usually a Dominant, to take the responsibility of the lessons that need to be learned.  However, submission can and does occur in every day social circles where people may not recognize what it represents.  Submission can take on forms such as helping; nurses, doctors, mental health practitioners for example, or service; customer service, creators, artists, and even police officers, firefighters and emts.  Many professions can fulfill a submissive desire if one is open-minded enough to search it out.

In a relationship, submission can also take many forms.  For me personally, I am mostly a sexual submissive in my primary relationship.  Therefore, my SO (D in training) takes on leadership and control in sexual situations.  However, there are times when he can remind me of my submission in simple, yet effective, ways.  Just the other day we spoke about a common gesture that he does without thinking that puts me in a submissive headspace nearly immediately.  Whenever I am driving and he is in the passenger seat of the car, he tends to grab the back of my neck.  Sometimes it just sits there, while other times he may massage or squeeze gently.  In the instances when we are alone, it works very quickly.  However, I realized only recently that it does not have the same effect when any of our children are in the car with us.  I choose to compartmentalize my submission.  And while I embody many submissive mannerisms around my children, such as taking care of them, or helping them in some way, I just do not feel the same way, so for me it is different enough.  I am always searching for ways to expand my submission.  This blog/website is part of that desire.

There also does NOT exist one type of submissive, as I have met and talked to individuals from many different backgrounds and personalities that embrace submission as a large part of their identity.  For me though there seems to be a few constants.  First, being an underlying need for at least one deep connection.  Some submissives may take time to trust another, but once they do, that trust goes to the core of their being.  Another unfortunate, but seemingly universal trait is self-deprecation in some form.  I do not mean this in a bad way, but all submissives I have spoken with are just too hard on themselves, myself included.  Sure, I try to be self-confident and fight what I refer to as my mental demons, but most individuals have that nagging voice of doubt, somewhere.  Except maybe psychopathic and narcissistic individuals, but that is a whole other issue.

What other ways do you define submission?  Are there universal traits to submissives?  What do you think?

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

As always, thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Here goes nothin’

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Staring at the blinking cursor, petrified at the implications of my written words blasted across the webiverse. I’ve written before, for my education, in a personal journal, as part of my submissive journey. BUT, I’ve never intentionally put anything online to share my inner most thoughts, secrets, or the scariest of all… my dreams. Where will my current path lead me? Is this the right step? How will it be perceived? Or… will it turn on me, lay myself open to ridicule and doubt. Does it really matter? My opinions, things I’ve learned. In all my reading, listening, and research, there is something missing.

So, who am I? Be careful what you ask, I warn you, I can be a handful. At my core, I am an extremely open-minded sexual individual. Always looking to make friends and learn new things… finally returning to active kink after a bit of a break. There is no category that really fits, I am a polyamorous heterosubmissive and homodominant. Looking to learn more of all the above.

What do I believe? Honestly, I believe everyone has the capacity to be kinky. I think that all too often our true selves are subjugated to living within the socially constructed confines of normality. Further, I believe that haters, rigid non-kinksters, and individuals that turn to verbal, and sometimes verbal, attacks to those of us that have embraced our primal desires, are merely conditioned to reject the things they do not understand.

Why am I doing this? There is a lot of information, online, in books, even podcasts related to sexual discovery, kink, and BDSM. Some I have ingested, plenty more that I have yet to explore. My personal journey involves the psychology of kink… the reasons behind why we have the desires we do, how to accept that they are part of us, and how to grow into a fully integrated, self-actualized individual. My official educational journey is not yet complete (1 more year, then on to specialization), however, there are tons of thoughts, ideas, and questions lurking already that are just screaming to get out. Therefore, instead of scribbling in some notebook or journal til my hand cramps, or saving dozens, or hundreds of Word documents onto my overloaded computer or in the cloud, I’ve come here.

Thanks for dropping by, and I’ll see you soon!

– raxleanne