Not your teacher’s Apple

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Years ago when I discovered kink and BDSM, a friend suggested that I chose a safeword. One that would be completely unrelated to anything sexual, but one that I would be sure to remember. This was well before the online kink community that exists now and while I was able to do a little research, there were really no suggestions for Safewords, just the same advice my friend had offered. One I could remember…. until I couldn’t remember it.

I have always been more than willing to push sexual boundaries. I used to ignorantly say that I would try anything once (never say that to a sadistic Dominant BTW). However in trying to push my personal limits I found my own masochistic side. The conundrum, when I push those boundaries I tend to skyrocket into subspace. Subspace is that magical existence when you feel like you are floating between fantasy and reality. And let me tell you apples are the furthest thing from your mind. So there I was floating on endorphins induced by erotic asphyxiation when I begin to feel myself go. There is a subtle moment just before passing out of immense clarity for me, but the problem is I am unable to speak. So fuck the apples.

It was obvious there was a communication breakdown. That Dominant had significantly more experience than I, but it did not stop me from overreacting thanks to my over-analytical anxious brain. I pulled away from pushing those boundaries for a long time, mostly out of fear. That play partner and I quickly grew distant.

When I decided to venture back into D/s, I knew I needed to have a better system of communication. Furthermore, as someone who enjoys breath play I knew verbal communication would not always work. Enter the hackey sack. For those that do not know what they are, a hackey sack is a small knitted ball loosely filled with rice or tiny beads used in a weird kicking game similar to how a single person will kick up a soccer ball repeatedly.

Anyhow, the plan was for me to hold onto the hackey sack. If it fell from my hand, or I dropped it intentionally, all play stopped. After a few trial runs (prior to approaching a hard limit) the hackey sack seemed to work. BUT, in situations where I still had my voice, I still had no need for fucking apples. What now? I went through a few other suggestions of people I knew before I stubbled on the light system. Green light, yellow light, and red light; the common street light signals that most people are familiar with. And red being the universal sign for STOP made complete sense. Why did it take so long to occur to me? I have no idea. I was young and more than a little kink sheltered.

In my current dynamic we have discussed the light system, though I have yet to have any need to use even yellow. And my submissive heart craves the day that he gets the courage to whisper, “Give me a color.”

This post has been included as part of the following meme, for more Tell Me About Dominance and Submission posts, just click below.

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When Drop is Ignored

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Day 24 of 30 days of exploration through D/s

Today’s topic is Drop, SubDrop and DomDrop… basically that inevitable down swing of hormones and emotions that can occur after an intense scene or kinky play. Drop is one of those things in D/s that should be discussed as part of any scene negotiation or relationship communication. Because Drop cannot necessarily be avoided it is important to understand what can happen and how to handle it when it does.

The Ideal

In a perfect world Drop would occur during that window of time that aftercare is offered. In this scenario, the partner would have all the physical and emotional support they may need as they ‘come down’. In the most basic of situations, water (or Gatorade), light food, and sometimes a favorite blanket or something to cuddle with is all someone may need during this time. Really they just need to know they are not alone. And after intense scenes or play it may be a good idea to check in with each other over the next 24-48 hours or so.

The Danger Zone

Conversely, there are times that the worst can happen. Triggers during a scene can cause a severe case of Drop followed by equally severe emotional turmoil. In my case, I unknowing did not negotiate any aftercare. I attended a party, took part in an intense scene, where towards the end I became extremely triggered when my partner placed my in real police issued handcuffs. He did the right thing and all play stopped when my reaction turned into panic. However, there was no one there (slow night, more of a play party than proper dungeon) that knew how to handle such an intense Drop and emotional situation. As far as I can remember, I was placed in a car, dropped off at home, alone, and not checked in on… at all. I lucked out, my roommate came home a few hours later and knew me well enough to take care of me. To say I went through an emotional rollercoaster is an understatement. I’m fine now, so no worries, but I did learn a ton from that night.

Now What…

Muy advice to anyone looking to negotiate a scene with a new partner or even existing relationship, discuss the details of aftercare, what you expect of each other, what you can offer, what you may need, and finally what’d to do if something goes wrong.

Shoutout

The post is part of an ongoing series found on LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here. if you would like to join in, check them out. If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

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Where it all began…

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Journey back with me … almost 18 years old and I met a man, significantly older than I, while working at McDonald’s of all places. The way he spoke to me, sent shocks down to my core. My inexperienced immature mind had no idea what it meant. Over the course of a couple weeks, as my birthday approached, he made simple comments that I found myself spending hours upon hours hitting repeat in my head. With less than a week left til the big day, he walked straight up to me and asked me if I wanted to know how a woman is supposed to feel!! Stunned silent, I know I turned 10 shades of red, I retreated into my work and tried to avoid his glances as he ate his damn Big Mac, minus pickle and onion (24 years later and I can still remember that geez!)

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Dazed and Confused

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Is this really a possibility?  I sit here and wonder if this nagging feeling that I just cannot seem to let go of it stupid, a waste of time, or maybe, just maybe… possible.  When I ask close family and friends that understand (most of) my kinks and sexual stance, some are very supportive.  “Do what you want, people will either love it or hate it,” they say.  Others are a little more constructively critical.  Do I have a unique voice in the sex information/blogging/website stratosphere????? And the honest answer to that question is most likely no.  There are tons of websites and blogs devoted to sex, kink, even mental health and understanding how they all cohabitate.  So I find my self struggling to decide if this is something I really want to do.

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