Not your teacher’s Apple

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Years ago when I discovered kink and BDSM, a friend suggested that I chose a safeword. One that would be completely unrelated to anything sexual, but one that I would be sure to remember. This was well before the online kink community that exists now and while I was able to do a little research, there were really no suggestions for Safewords, just the same advice my friend had offered. One I could remember…. until I couldn’t remember it.

I have always been more than willing to push sexual boundaries. I used to ignorantly say that I would try anything once (never say that to a sadistic Dominant BTW). However in trying to push my personal limits I found my own masochistic side. The conundrum, when I push those boundaries I tend to skyrocket into subspace. Subspace is that magical existence when you feel like you are floating between fantasy and reality. And let me tell you apples are the furthest thing from your mind. So there I was floating on endorphins induced by erotic asphyxiation when I begin to feel myself go. There is a subtle moment just before passing out of immense clarity for me, but the problem is I am unable to speak. So fuck the apples.

It was obvious there was a communication breakdown. That Dominant had significantly more experience than I, but it did not stop me from overreacting thanks to my over-analytical anxious brain. I pulled away from pushing those boundaries for a long time, mostly out of fear. That play partner and I quickly grew distant.

When I decided to venture back into D/s, I knew I needed to have a better system of communication. Furthermore, as someone who enjoys breath play I knew verbal communication would not always work. Enter the hackey sack. For those that do not know what they are, a hackey sack is a small knitted ball loosely filled with rice or tiny beads used in a weird kicking game similar to how a single person will kick up a soccer ball repeatedly.

Anyhow, the plan was for me to hold onto the hackey sack. If it fell from my hand, or I dropped it intentionally, all play stopped. After a few trial runs (prior to approaching a hard limit) the hackey sack seemed to work. BUT, in situations where I still had my voice, I still had no need for fucking apples. What now? I went through a few other suggestions of people I knew before I stubbled on the light system. Green light, yellow light, and red light; the common street light signals that most people are familiar with. And red being the universal sign for STOP made complete sense. Why did it take so long to occur to me? I have no idea. I was young and more than a little kink sheltered.

In my current dynamic we have discussed the light system, though I have yet to have any need to use even yellow. And my submissive heart craves the day that he gets the courage to whisper, “Give me a color.”

This post has been included as part of the following meme, for more Tell Me About Dominance and Submission posts, just click below.

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BONUS: What I learned 30 Days of D/s

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Bonus: 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

As the month of March comes to an end, I can reflect on the different ways that I have reflected my own submission and the new D/s dynamic we are integrating in our relationship.  It has been a rollercoaster at times.  I forgot so much of who I was by denying my submissive side.  Things I missed and a few that I did not or had tried to forget.  My past D/s relationships did not work out for different reasons.  However, I think I carried a lot of guilt as to why they failed on my own shoulders.  I wasn’t submissive enough, I didn’t do things right; it was almost a form of imposter syndrome. 

Over the past 30 days I have used the prompts provided by LovingBDSM to guide my thinking about different aspects of D/s, explore my own desires, strengths, and weaknesses.  I have also gained a heightened awareness of how much the online kink community has drastically changed while I stayed away.  Sure, there are still the creepy trolls, but they are easily dealt with.  But there exists a large group of kink and sex positive individuals that are truly invested in growing a community of support and knowledge with and through each other. 

The workbook and prompts are just the beginning, I have an entire list of topics that I want to research further that came up as part of this exploration.  Which in truth is the core of a good D/s dynamic, evolution through understanding. 

We are still very early on in our D/s dynamic, but there are hints and windows in to what is possible and at this point, I could not be more pleased and excited for what the future my hold.  And don’t worry, I’m careful to separate these ideas from any sub frenzy that may be happening. 

As the month comes to an end, I cannot think Kayla Lords and John Brownstone enough.  Their prompts as part of the workbook are well thought out and insightful.  Additionally, they are a great resource for BDSM and D/s specifically.  It is easy to see their devotion to growing a kink aware/sex positive community.  I’m excited to see where they go next!!  Thanks to y’all, I’m me again!

As always – thanks for stopping by and be sure to check out my other posts, you can also follow me on Twitter and Instagram @raxleanne

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s
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D/s Tasks and Rituals

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Day 27 of 30 days of exploration through D/s

I find myself both excited and nervous when out comes to tasks and rituals. Perhaps due to being overwhelmed with strict expectations in a previous D/s relationship that ended abruptly (see the post here). But as a new Dominant, my partner has yet to fully embrace the idea, so I’m not sure where things will lead.

So as a sort of compromise we’ve landed on permissions, and very few expectations. Let me explain… Recently, I rearranged our bedroom, moved everything, organized the clutter, and made sure every bit of laundry was folded or hung and put away. Now I’m the first to admit, I’m no Suzy homemaker! I just don’t feel the need to have everything spotless, though for the most part everything is clean, life just takes over sometimes. Part of the new look for the bedroom included a gorgeous new purple bedspread, so I took it upon myself to make sure that every day since the bed is made and looks pretty when I first wake up. Though this was not asked of me, he noticed, and expressed appreciation for it. Almost a “good girl.”

However, yesterday I did not make the bed. My D, wouldn’t know this until well into the evening, but I found myself having a bad day. I just felt off and couldn’t put my finger on it. Small things bugged me and I had a strange feeling something just was not right. Later in the afternoon I had to go through my bedroom after something and it hit me… the bed was unmade. I could have just been smacked in the face; all the feelings were there, I felt like I had really let myself and him down. Now, I know in the big scheme, this is tiny, insignificant, but because it was a small task that I enjoyed doing for him and he appreciated, it seemed big when left undone. I suddenly realized why I had felt just a bit off. I had broken the pattern that had formed over recent weeks for the first time.

When he made his way to the bedroom later, I apologized for not having completed the task, and got his gentle “it’s ok babe.” But I do not think he realizes how important it was for me to do that for him. So in this case, though there was no punishment, the guilt caused other chaos. Though when we have our house back (visitors), I hope to discuss it with him.

As far as permissions go, they really are a way for me to make sure I’m not doing something that he does not want or desire. One example is masturbation. I have free rein to masturbate when he is not with me. That has actually been part of our understanding even before attempting D/s. However, recently I have found times at night, when he’s already asleep, that I have considered it. Of course having a new toy probably helps… lol. So I mustered the nerve to ask permission. That is the hardest thing to do! I swear, I have a hundred scripted conversations in my own head every time I need to ask him the simplest question. And most of the time it ends up being a simple yes. Well this time, it was even better. Not only did he give permission, but he was turned on by the idea! Woohoo! That always makes my submissive heart dance.

So, while tasks and rituals are not officially part of our D/s, we’re working on it. After all, isn’t half the fun in the journey??

Don’t forget to check out the rest of my blog and follow me on Twitter and Instagram @raxleanne

Shoutout

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here. If you would like to join in, check them out. If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

24/7 Ds… Can I??

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Day 26 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

When I think about D/s, I tend to think of sexual submission; being completely controlled during sexual play is a major turn on.  However, when I consider the idea of going 24/7, I am conflicted.  There are plenty of positive things that a 24/7 dynamic offers; security is perhaps the biggest benefit.  When you are in a 24/7 D/s dynamic, there is no time to wonder how your D/s relationship is doing, because you (hopefully) are reminded on a regular basis.  I envision a 24/7 dynamic as a bunch of set protocols that reinforce the limits and rules. 

I know my personal control issues keep me from trusting anyone enough to give over complete control in every aspect of my life. However, I have a deep respect for people that can, on both sides of the slash, give control over or take on that responsibility.  Further, I wonder if I have the patience to move at someone else’s pace.  Do not get me wrong, I understand that consent must always be freely given and can be revoked at any time.  However, that is perhaps the biggest reason I am leery of 24/7 D/s, I do not want to be the type of person that changes their mind often.  Waffling back and forth is a pet peeve of mine.

In short, right now in my life 24/7 is not the right fit. Perhaps in the months and years to come my Dom and I can consider something closer to 24/7, just not yet ;).

So, I would love to hear how others have made the journey.  Are you in a 24/7 dynamic?  Did you jump all in, or were there steps that got you there?  Or maybe you are like me, and think it just does not fit you at this point?

As always – thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Don’t forget to check out the rest of my blog and follow me on Twitter and Instagram @raxleanne

Shoutout

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s
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When a D/s Relationship Ends

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Day 25 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

D/s relationships can help each person be their authentic selves.  In many D/s relationships, the main purpose is to push our personal limits and find out what we can handle.  However, when one of these relationships comes to an end it can bring you to your knees.  This is one of my experiences…

My story

I had been in this relationship for 8 months, we were in contact nearly every day and I was frantically planning for the next visit to celebrate my birthday.  Long distance D/s has unique difficulties, but if both parties are invested, it can feel just as real as an in-person relationship.  I had daily protocols in place that included messages before and after activities, pictures of specific results.  Additionally, I was expected to email every morning my plans for the day, and every night I sent an email detailing what I was able to accomplish that day.  This was all in addition to spending a good amount of time on Yahoo messenger, in contact throughout most of the day.

He worked in a job that would occasionally cause him to be out of contact for a day or two, and even on those days I would usually get a quick email telling me all was well and that he would call or message soon.  Having been previously married to a truck driver, I knew that the real world sometimes caused situations where contact was not an easy thing.  As my birthday grew closer, I was looking at plane tickets and hotel reservations.  A couple days went by with no contact.  I was concerned but it did not completely freak me out until a week had gone by and I was having to pay the money for the trip.  After trying the phone, video chat, messenger to no avail, I sent a frantic email. 

Thinking the Worst

We had not set up any other people to contact in the case that something happened to one of us, so there was no one I could call.  My anxious mind went to all the horrific things that could have gone wrong.  He worked in a sometimes quite dangerous job.  I started combing the newspaper looking for the slightest mention of his company; even started looking through the obits.  I was completely undone.

After 13 days I got a simple email; “I am fine, just can’t do this anymore, wish you the best”.  My heart sank, I collapsed on the floor.  Caught somewhere between fear and anger, I immediately started analyzing what I could have possibly done wrong.  I spent the next weeks going through every email, every message, there was no hint.  As a result, I sank into a deep depression.  I had intertwined this man into man into nearly all aspects of my life.  What was I going to do?

Now, I know that many relationships do not end so abruptly and with no explanation.  However, what I want to make sure people know is that you can survive it.  That relationship ended 6 years ago and though the road after was hard and caused me to take a long look at myself, I came out on the better end in the long run.

The last contact…

Just FYI – I have only gotten one email from him since, about 2 years ago.  With a picture that I had sent him, and an “I was thinking about you and the time we spent together, hope all is well.”  That message nearly caused me to slide right back.  But my boyfriend, now Dom, was there to catch me, I had shared the entire experience with him, and I was so glad I did.  I do not think of him often, but when I do, I am just reminded that I survived it.

As always – thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Don’t forget to check out the rest of my blog and follow me on Twitter @raxleanne

Shoutout

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s
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Kink with a Full House

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Day 23 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

The original topic for today was supposed to be Drop. However, after what’s been going on the last couple of days, that’ll have to be another day… but I think this is still part of understanding our new D/s dynamic. 

For the first time in quite some time, we have a house full.  And I do mean full.  My mother, my two daughters, my son-in-law (almost), two grandchildren – and of course me and my D.  So tonight, every available bed-like surface will be utilized, and I am starting to feel a little claustrophobic.    Yesterday we worked hard on some of our remodel mess and went to bed quite early.  Kinky fuckery was the farthest thing from my mind when I my head hit the pillow. 

Since taking our relationship toward D/s, we try to connect in some way every day.  Sometimes it is solely sexual, other times it is gestures, even glances.  We have not implemented any specific protocols; mostly because we have not found any that fit us. 

Sneaking in some Kink

My D had to work today, which as usual means he is up and out of the house by 6am, and I am usually still asleep (not a morning person here).  Not this morning though!  For whatever reason, when he woke around 5am, it stirred me… in all kinds of ways.  It was a combination of his smell, the lack of contact the night before and … probably just my nature.  I snuggled into him, suckled my way down to his cock and tasted what I had desperately missed.  Hearing his hushed moans pleased that side of me that wants to give him all the pleasure I can.  When he reached to grab my ass, I was undone, he has learned recently that I love it when he plays with my ass.  It wasn’t too long before he threw me over on my back and took my wet pussy with his rock-hard cock.  He took all he wanted until on his signal we both climaxed together.  It was so hard to stifle that scream of pleasure. 

It was short, anything but sweet, but what we both really needed.  And … he went to work smelling like our union, which is such an amazing turn on.

The Result…

I was able to fall into a deep relaxed sleep having connected, having offered myself, pleasing my D is the best way to relax.  Messages throughout the day reminded me of our power exchange and how into it he is.

Making me – a very happy submissive 😉

As always – thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Shoutout

The post is part of an ongoing series found on LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s
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Subfrenzy

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Day 21 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Subfrenzy- is that state of mind during a new D/s relationship when the idea of submission is overwhelmingly excited.  When a submissive wants to do ‘all of the things’, submit to every conceivable request of their dominant and give up the most control.  There are dangers inherent to subfrenzy as well.  For example, a submissive in subfrenzy may grant consent to their dominant for areas that, when they are in their normal way of thinking, they may disagree with or regret.

When subfrenzy hits home

My first experience with subfrenzy was comical when I look back on it now.  I see the desperate submissive doing everything possible to please my dominant without any thought to my own desires, limitations, and best interests.  One example of this was my dominants desire to have me kneel for long periods of time.  Many submissives kneel as part of their submission, so of course I jumped into the idea.  However, I have extremely bad joints and multiple compression fractures in my back.  The act of kneeling as part of my submission decreased my already weakened circulation to my distal joints and caused problems in one of my ankles that led to surgery.  I failed to consider the effect of the kneeling on my physical health because I just wanted to serve my dominant.

However, I am not immune to subfrenzy now, as my relationship moves into D/s, I find my excitement sometimes gets the best of me and I want things, or to offer things that can be hazardous.  My Dominant and I have agreed that any new protocols will have a delay, giving us both time to consider if there are any modifications that need to be made.  So far, there have not been any issues, and it is my hope by delaying, logistics will be apparent and keep us both safe.

As always – thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Shoutout

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

Orgasm Control led to Squirting

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Day 19 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Orgasm control, the often mysterious and devilish act that can encompass everything from complete orgasm denial, edging, forced, multiple orgasms and so much more.  As a biological female and submissive, the idea of my Dominate having complete control over not only whether I do orgasm, but also the length and intensity of them is so…. HOT!

Squirting (female ejaculation)

In previous D/s dynamics, the Doms tended to enjoy more control over frequency then the forced or multiple orgasms.  It was thanks to orgasm denial for over a month that I first came to know that I could ejaculate.  Sometimes referred to as squirting, female ejaculation is not possible for every woman, but the ones that can will likely tell you that they gush more than squirt, especially if they are well hydrated.  Do not be manipulated by porn images of women gushing rivers.  While there can be quite a mess, those scenes are typically the result of the vaginal canal and even lower uterine space being filled with water at some point.  The muscles spasms cause the effect.  Reality is not hugely different.  If I have been a good girl, drinking the amount of water that I should, there is often a large wet spot left behind.  Lots of towels are a must in our sexual play.

Forced Orgasms

When it comes to forced orgasms, the most common from what I have been told are clitoral orgasms.  The clitoris becomes swollen and very sensitive during and after orgasm, so that in many cases, multiple or rolling (one after another, often indistinguishable) orgasms can occur easily, especially when using assisted manipulation; either a vibrator or partner.  In my experience, and of those I have talked to, rarely are we disciplined enough to force rolling orgasms.  In a way, the constant intensity needed is so overwhelming that we cannot keep up the pressure on our own.  However, a partner is not limited by the urge to stop, so they can make it just keep coming (pun intended).

Finally, whether you have experienced orgasm control, or are just curious, there are many different levels and ways that a power exchange dynamic can determine the amount of control.  If you have never given that power over, I encourage you to try it, you may be pleasantly surprised

As always – thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Shoutout

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

Living in a Kink Desert

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Day 17 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Kinksters hear repeatedly that the best way to expand their understanding of kink is to get out and socialize within the kink community.  And I do not disagree.  However, for me there is no real community near me.  I am in the middle of the US and last I checked (10 minutes ago) the closest munch was almost 3 hours away.  There is a couple party houses about an hour away, but those are more the swingers scene.  Not that there is anything wrong with that, just not what I am looking for right now.

So… what do I do instead???

Well, for me, I am lucky that most people that know me, know about my kinks, or at least that I fully support the kink community.  I have a few close friends that I have been blessed with that do not judge my choices. Otherwise, I take to the internet.  For years I had an active profile on Fetlife, Tagged, and other websites that allow kinksters to interact.  I did recently reactivate my Fetlife account, and of course the creepy messages have already started; even though I have full disclosed that I am only looking to network and make friends.  I do know a few people that have been lucky on these sites and even others.  In most cases it seems that they find only one-time encounters, and the days of that for me are long gone.

If money were not an issue, I would finance a dungeon around here.  My D and I cannot be the only kinksters that would be interested.  And let’s face it, we are just like most people, we do not have the space and privacy necessary for a personal play room… although that is definitely on my wish list for after the kiddos are grown 😉

I am always open to suggestions.  Where have you found like minded people?  Have you made lasting friendships within the community?  And, what would your dream dungeon look like? 

As always – thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Shoutout

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

When Real Life Interferes With D/s

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Day 15 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Real life has a way of being like a freight train moving through the pleasure parts of our lives.  For me it is no different.  Trying to keep a deep D/s connection during times of increased stress must become a priority.

Recently a close family member was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer.  That was the reason for the trip last week.  However, even after returning home, the increase stress from the situation did not just disappear.  Maybe it is just me and my overactive mind that has such a hard time just letting go of the outside world.  I have found there are a couple of ways to handle these things in my D/s relationship. 

What we do that helps

Communication

First, communication, as always, is key.  Revealing to your partner what is going on in your head may seem simple enough, but when it comes to doing that thing called talking, we typically get in our own way.  However, high stress times make taking this step even more important.  From my own perspective, I know that if I am stressed and not able to verbalize why I can begin to fall down that rabbit whole that will cause an even bigger issue in my relationship(s).  Conversely, when my partner is highly stressed, I also have a hard time not taking on the pressure.  I blame myself or think that it is something I have caused or in the least am inadequate to fix.  This is when I find my submissive desires to be the strongest.  I try to just be there for my partner.  Eventually it seems to level back out.

Routine

Second, structure/protocols provide much need routine during times of increased stress.  The mind is an amazing thing, and when we institute routine into our daily lives, it helps the mind to calm, almost meditate.  I have learned from many others that the smallest tasks help to remind many submissives of their service.  On the other hand, Dominants benefit from the routine when outside stressors occur by being able to depend on their submissives to do those routine things.  They become as dependent on the routine as submissives do.

Take a break

Finally, do not be afraid to take a step back from the strict D/s, and just be with each other.  I find myself desiring the power dynamic so much, even depending on it, that I forget that beyond all of that we are two individuals that are walking this life together, and no labels are needed to define that.  Some people may disagree, or think that putting the power exchange on hold makes us less D/s.  However, when we come back, it ends up being a big comfort.  Almost like a lost love.

Want to be part of the conversation…

So, how do you deal with lives stressors? Do you dig your heals into your D/s? Does it take a backseat?

As always – thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Don’t forget to check out the rest of my blog and follow me on Twitter @raxleanne

Shoutout

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s