When Kink is Hard

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You might think that with a title like that I’m referring to impact play or rough kinky sex. However, I mean just the opposite. I’ve come to realize that kink is not always an easy thing to do. Sure my mind is full of amazing fantasies, but the truth is, it is sometimes work. More work than it probably should be.

Sex in general in an ongoing relationship sometimes gets lost between work schedules, kids activities, and just being tired. It’s hard to feel sexy when you or your partner is in pain as well.

This last week my back has been causing me to be in a near constant state of pain. And, while I’m fully aware there are sexy, kinky things that we can do that do not exaggerate the pain. When I’m fighting pain, the farthest thing from my mind is kinky fuckery. Then, I end up fighting the inevitable guilt. I’m the one in our relationship with the higher sex drive typically, so for me to shy away from sexual activities, it is a definite sign that I’m hurting, probably more than I’m willing to admit.

So I end up pondering what I should do. I know the evil shoulda, coulda, or wouldas. But there is some sense to my madness, I think. If I’m not sexually available to my partner, my dominant, the man I love, we tend to stagnate. Sex is a habit, therefore not having sex, even if it’s for good reasons becomes a habit.

When I’m in pain, laying in bed is one of the worst things for my back. Add that to my tendency toward being a major night owl, it becomes very easy for me to stay up quite late instead of going to bed. And since his work schedule is crazy right now, that means he’s usually asleep by 11pm at the latest. For me, that might as well be mid-evening.

So what’s a gal to do? I flash back to awkward moments when I understood my parents were signaling each other for sex. Though to this day, my mother swears all those knee rubs didn’t end in sex. A time when sex was treated like a duty instead of a pleasure.

So I guess I’m just admitting that sex and kink are sometimes work. Thank goodness the payoff is usually worth it 😉

When Real Life Interferes With D/s

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Day 15 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Real life has a way of being like a freight train moving through the pleasure parts of our lives.  For me it is no different.  Trying to keep a deep D/s connection during times of increased stress must become a priority.

Recently a close family member was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer.  That was the reason for the trip last week.  However, even after returning home, the increase stress from the situation did not just disappear.  Maybe it is just me and my overactive mind that has such a hard time just letting go of the outside world.  I have found there are a couple of ways to handle these things in my D/s relationship. 

What we do that helps

Communication

First, communication, as always, is key.  Revealing to your partner what is going on in your head may seem simple enough, but when it comes to doing that thing called talking, we typically get in our own way.  However, high stress times make taking this step even more important.  From my own perspective, I know that if I am stressed and not able to verbalize why I can begin to fall down that rabbit whole that will cause an even bigger issue in my relationship(s).  Conversely, when my partner is highly stressed, I also have a hard time not taking on the pressure.  I blame myself or think that it is something I have caused or in the least am inadequate to fix.  This is when I find my submissive desires to be the strongest.  I try to just be there for my partner.  Eventually it seems to level back out.

Routine

Second, structure/protocols provide much need routine during times of increased stress.  The mind is an amazing thing, and when we institute routine into our daily lives, it helps the mind to calm, almost meditate.  I have learned from many others that the smallest tasks help to remind many submissives of their service.  On the other hand, Dominants benefit from the routine when outside stressors occur by being able to depend on their submissives to do those routine things.  They become as dependent on the routine as submissives do.

Take a break

Finally, do not be afraid to take a step back from the strict D/s, and just be with each other.  I find myself desiring the power dynamic so much, even depending on it, that I forget that beyond all of that we are two individuals that are walking this life together, and no labels are needed to define that.  Some people may disagree, or think that putting the power exchange on hold makes us less D/s.  However, when we come back, it ends up being a big comfort.  Almost like a lost love.

Want to be part of the conversation…

So, how do you deal with lives stressors? Do you dig your heals into your D/s? Does it take a backseat?

As always – thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Don’t forget to check out the rest of my blog and follow me on Twitter @raxleanne

Shoutout

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

When Vanilla turns D/s

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Day 12 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Today’s topic hits very close to home for me.  While I have known that I am submissive for most of my adult life (even if I did not know the name of it lol), I entered my current relationship in a more vanilla way and coming up on five years together have only ventured into D/s over the past (almost) year.  I have never lied or withheld anything from my partner, so it was no real surprise when I broached the subject of taking our relationship in a D/s direction.  Thankfully, he was very receptive to the idea, even though he has no experience with D/s or really any kind of kink. 

The first conversation…

I was so nervous to bring the subject up, because I was afraid that he would take the idea as an insult to him and what he had to offer.  And that was the last thing that I wanted.  Having had prior experience with kink and D/s, I am aware of how much a relationship CAN benefit.  However, I did not approach this as a fix-all for our relationship issues either.  So, we went slow.  I expressed my desire as a ‘let’s try this thing’ with no real expectations that he would want to move forward and braced myself for rejection.  I got lucky.  Not only was he willing, he continues to be curious about all aspects of D/s.  And let’s face it kinky curiosity can be a very good thing.

Step one:

Where to start?  For us, the most logical place to start was to talk about limits and Safewords.  I sent him the list I have compiled over the years.  Get it HERE.  And simply asked that he take the time to read it, ask any questions, and made sure he understood that everything on this list was not a green light for me.  I also explained what is known as the light system of Safewords.  He took his time going through the list, which for impatient me was an interesting first step toward the new ‘potential’ power exchange. 

Step two:

The conversation/negotiation involved first going through and weeding out the things that neither of us have any interest in pursuing.  These included hard limits, as well as the items that we just are not turned on by or curious about.  Although, with such an extensive list, that still left plenty of ideas.  After that came the fun stuff, we talked about things that really made us excited.  And I was elated to find out that in quite a few areas, these matched.  Everything that was left we labeled as maybe, but not now.  We also included in the maybes things that would take some added education.  For example, rope bondage is not something anyone should just jump into without learning about safety and procedures.

Step three:

Playing for the first time after implementing the power exchange was an amazing turn on.  He was gentle and caring, in his sweet way, but was able to let in a little control that just made me melt.  One favorite kink of mine is asphyxiation, and we had played with it in the past, just a little, however because he now trusted me to balance him by using Safewords if I needed to, he was able to push himself and me farther than we dared before. 

Now, I will be the first to admit, we are still in the infant stages of this dynamic.  We are not rushing it.  Finding out where we are now and what we enjoy is the whole point.  Everything else will develop in time.

So, if you cannot tell, I am a bit excited to explore this new part of our relationship.  I finally feel like I am my genuine self again, and that is glorious!!

Shoutout:

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

As always, thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

What is your Safeword?

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Day 10 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Safewords, an often-overcomplicated issue in the BDSM community, can be a simple concept. 

Anyone who engages in any kind of activity sexual, scene, or otherwise can and SHOULD incorporate the use of one or more Safewords.    Safewords can be either a set thing for an individual or can be negotiated.  However, all parties should be fully aware of each other’s Safewords as well as what they mean for that individual. 

In the past I have used several different Safewords that were mundane objects and would not likely be related to the activity, such as apple or bicycle.  These words can work, but the hard part is usually remembering them when your head is a bit fuzzy from endorphins.  A common system, and one my partner and I have discussed using is the light system.  Most people are familiar with the street light system where Green means Go, Yellow means Proceed with Caution, and Red means Stop.  These can be directly applied to interactions within BDSM, with a few additions. 

I see the light system in this way:

  • Green – keep doing that, that feels good, I’m having no issues.  Issues can be physical, mental, or even both.  When someone expresses green, they are wanting to continue the activity. 
  • Yellow – I’m doing ok but be careful.  This can mean that the activity is causing some physical discomfort, but for now you can proceed.  However, this could refer to triggers or mental issues that are beginning to spring up. While they may still be under some control and they want to proceed; care should be taken to proceed cautiously.
  • Red – STOP everything Immediately!!!  This is non-negotiable.  Many people do not utilize the other colors, but Red is mostly universal.

As with anything else, this is my personal opinion and in no way should be taken as gospel.  I hope you have found this informative, please contact me if there are any questions and be sure to check out my other posts.

*Shoutout*

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

As always, thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Let’s Talk about Limits

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Day 9 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Limits are a big subject in any BDSM or alternative sexual relationship.  Limit lists are a common way for play partners and people in relationships to communicate.  These lists provide ways to talk about what experiences they may have had in the past, things that they are interested in, sometimes called soft limits, and perhaps most important to many partnerships, hard limits.  Hard limits are those things that for some reason (and often very personal) one person considers off limits.  Limits can and often do change, especially as a relationship develops over time.  Many things that I considered hard limits when I first began to understand BDSM, I enjoy now.  One example of this is asphyxiation.  Asphyxiation is one of those things that scared me beyond explanation when I first learned of it.  However, over time and as trust in my partners grew, it was something that I became curious about, later, became something of immense joy to me. 

I would suggest using a limit list like a checklist.

  • Go through the list, marking anything you have experience with and enjoy with a mark
  • Mark the things that you are curious about, or have some experience but may still need to learn more
  • Mark the things you know little or nothing about, but are no completely out of question, these are often referred to soft limits.  Sometimes these things become part of play; other times they can become hard limits as tolerance and experience is expanded.
  • Finally, boldly mark the things that are an absolute – No Way

I have compiled a pretty inclusive limit list that can be download here. This list likely does not include everything there is to try, but it can be a great place to start

I also suggest revisiting your lists as your relationship progresses.  Keeping your list up to date on what you have experience and curiosities can be a great way to decide what areas to explore.  This also serves as a tool for negotiations.  I know I cannot be the only submissive to give into something I may not absolutely love in exchange for something I really enjoy that may not get my partner super-hot. 

I have no problems answering questions about limits, but a person’s limits are very personal, so while I will not share mine, I will try to get a limit list uploaded soon that you can use with your partner.

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

As always, thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Handling Negative Emotions in D/s

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Day 8 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s


Photo by Callum Skelton on Unsplash

This week the topic Handling Negative Emotions

Negative Emotions, we all have them.  We get anxious, jealous, filled with fear, or just feel off sometimes.  What is important is how we handle those negative feelings.  In a D/s partnership like mine, part of our dynamic includes communicating how we are feeling on a regular basis.  This becomes even more important when those feelings come from a negative place.  For me negative feelings tend to result from inaccurate assumptions or feelings of doubt in myself.  My own history of issues with self-image, self-worth, and, to borrow the term (LovingBDSM), my own bad tapes are usually the root cause of my negative emotions.  During such times, I struggle, but know that if I talk to my Dominant, things tend to get better.  Usually the resulting conversation will show me that my fears and anxieties were off somehow, or even completely unrealistic.  But talking through them, even if it means just writing them down, helps tremendously.  On the rare occasion that negative feelings come up that involve something that my Dominant has done, or is doing, I find it hard to be confrontational.  At these times, I will reach out to a trusted friend first to run it by them.  This serves to figure out if may feelings have foundation or are just rooted in fear.  Fear for me, is typically the biggest cause of most of my negative feelings.  This may not be the same for anyone else. 

Dominants are not immune from negative feelings.  There are times when very similar situations come up from the other side of the /. Dominants need to have the same avenues available to them to express and deal with their negative emotions just like they do for their submissive.  In my partnership, we try to make a point to check in at least once a week; particularly if there has been a lot going on in our ‘vanilla’ lives.  By making a point to check in, we tend to avoid the bigger issues that have built up in the past.  I make a point of trying to make myself available for one on one conversations when there are little or no distractions for these discussions.  There have also been times when I have had to write things down, like a list, to keep myself on track.  By doing so, I can keep my thoughts in order and not controlled by the negative emotions that I am battling.

As with most everything in D/s; communicate, communicate, communicate.  No one is a mind reader, and unrealistic expectations can only cause further trouble. 

Disclaimer: The opinions contained in this blog are not a substitute for therapy and should not be considered anything other than my personal experience.  Your experiences can and will be different. Emotions that are obsessive, unrealistic, or overwhelming may lead to serious mental health issues.  If you feel that these emotions are too much to handle… Please seek professional help in your area.  If you need assistance finding someone, please contact me and I will do all I can to assist you in your search.

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

As always, thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Communication in D/s

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On Day 7 of 30 days of D/s, the topic is Communication

Communication is by far the most important aspect of any D/s relationship.  Communication is used in negotiations, during any power exchange, scenes, or play, and even aftercare.  Communication includes not only verbal, but non-verbal cues.  Throughout a relationship communication can and should change and as trust increases, non-verbal communication can increase.

Negotiation communication is the primarily the time when expectations, desires, and especially concerns should be addressed.  For many people negotiations may take on a formal feeling, some even using contracts or written lists to help facilitate communication.  One common thing may people use to help this part is lists, there are many, many kink lists out there that can be used to determine likes, dislikes, and curiosities that people may have in common and areas they want to explore together.  For me and my partner, this was one of the first steps I used to introduce what things could be included in our D/s dynamic.

Play time is not void of communication.  Most individuals in BDSM are familiar (or should be) with the use of safe words.  My partner and I use the light system, which has gained popularity over the years, but in previous relationships I used mundane non-sexual words, such as bicycle or popcorn (the light system is so much easier to use because most people are familiar with what the colors red, yellow, and green mean.  Stop, proceed with care, and GO! This is also a time to pay close attention to non-verbal communication.  For me, it is not uncommon to lose the ability to form words during particularly intense scenes, I also have a bad habit of holding my breath during orgasm, so that if they are coming (pun intended lol) one after another, I have been known to pass out.  So that means that my partner needs to pay attention.  Luckily it has only lasted for a few seconds, and I am able to communicate that I am ok.  Though I have never used an object to communicate, it is something I have heard of many times.  For example, if a ball gag, or other device makes verbal communication difficult, an object such as a ball in the hand can be used.  When the person drops the ball, all play stops.

Aftercare communication is more important than people sometimes realize.  Especially during times when limits have been pushed, or play has stopped abruptly.  It is important to follow up with your partner to assist them in any way they need.  Everyone is different.  For me, if I have pushed my personal limits, I need time to analyze it myself before being able to communicate with my partner.  Sometimes this can take just a few minutes, other times this has taken days.  In either situation, it is important for the partner to be open and understanding.  Help, whether it be water, food, or just being held.  Do not rush the person that needs to think things through.  In instances where a safe word has been used, it is important afterward to discuss the reasons behind using the safe word, but never blame or use accusations.  Safe words can be used for so many different reasons, physical issues or mental issues, such as triggers, fear, or overwhelming misunderstood emotions can take time to figure out. 

As someone who has been blamed for stopping play too soon, it is dangerous to say or show negative feelings during aftercare, it can only lead to more complications in the future.  Just be supportive in any way they need.

Dominants can use safe words or stop play at any time for a number or reasons as well.  In these times, it is important for a submissive to be open to the Dominant, if they need to discuss the reasons why.  This may be especially important when a Dominant begins a new type of play, for example impact play.  Men, particularly in western culture, are raised and taught by society that they should never hit a woman.  When the woman they are with desires that impact, or the man desires to give that impact, sometimes it takes a bit to reconcile that with how they were raised.  Take your time, go slow and use constant reassurance that the Dominant is doing what you want them to do.  Praise and thanks when a Dominant fills a need is always a good thing.  Currently, my partner and I are trying to discover what types of impact he is comfortable with coupled with what I enjoy.  It is a slow process, but the learning stages can be so much fun. 

Finally, never confuse communication and assumptions.  Assumptions in D/s can be very hazardous.  Communication, on the other hand will lead to deep trust and understanding. 

When in doubt- Talk it out!!!

Again, I want to give a shout out to LovingBDSM for providing the prompts.  Go check them out!!

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

Conflicts, How we manage

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On Day 6 of 30 days of D/s, the topic is Conflicts. 

This is a difficult area for me personally, as I am a person who can handle other people’s difficulties and conflicts, but when it comes to my own… not so much.  I grew up in a difficult family, my father was an abusive alcoholic, so we spent most of our time walking on egg shells to avoid the next blow up.  Jump forward, I had a couple of previous relationships, where screaming matches seemed to be the only way to communicate. 

Today, my biggest struggle is voicing my concerns, discontent, or any unhappiness.  In short, I hate to fight or disagree with my partner, and find it easier (at the time) to just not say anything. (I know, how shockingly submissive of me!) I’m sure it is not hard to guess that not saying anything does not work either. 

So… I draw on the foundation of D/s as I know it, which is communication, sometimes even over-communication.  Before we decided we would slowly add D/s to our current relationship, we talked, and talked, and talked some more about the smallest things that were going on.  I often resort to writing letters or long texts, simply so my emotions will not take over and I can make sure to get my points across.  He is then able to contemplate my meaning without becoming defensive.  So far, it has worked for us.  We talk every day, gauge where we are and where we need or want to be and figure out how to get there.

What ways do you and your partner(s) deal with conflict?

Again, I want to give a shout out to LovingBDSM for providing the prompts.  Go check them out!!

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s