When Sex Takes a Backseat to Relationship Troubles

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I grew up hearing the old saying “Don’t go to bed angry.” And somewhere between then and now, I gave up on the expectation that every problem can be resolved before your head hits the pillow.

Sex drops down the list of priorities when a relationship is in trouble

I can’t be the only one who does not feel the least bit sexy when frustrations in my relationship cause tension throughout the day. And when disagreement and stress lasts more than a day or two, sex is the furthest thing from my mind.

I still have desires and fantasies, don’t get me wrong. However, I can’t help but think that my partner, and definitely previous partners take having sex as a sign that everything is just fine. Am I wrong? So, I don’t engage in sex when there are issues outside the bedroom left unresolved.

I end up being the Bitch

Some people have called me a bitch, claiming I use sex as a way to control my partner, or get them to do what I want. And maybe that is true. BUT, I have a hard time compartmentalizing my sexual feelings and my other thoughts. So when the days are filled with negative energy, for whatever reason. I can’t just shut it off and get turned on, or at least I don’t want to.

Yes, I know, communication is the key to a long and happy relationship. I can here Kayla Lords saying it over and over again in my head. Communication should definitely be the cornerstone of any D/s relationship. But let’s face it, sometimes real life gets in the way of any type of kinky fun.

Time to put up or shut up

So I have come to a crossroads. The most recent issues seem to continue as unresolved. I am just not ready to move on and accept defeat and no reasonable compromise seems in site. I am not sure what this means for my relationship as a whole, but I do know that the power exchange that was part of our D/s will need some renegotiation.

Well thanks for listening to my tattered ramblings… and don’t worry, I’ll keep you posted.

Categories: My Complicated Life Tags: , ,

BONUS: What I learned 30 Days of D/s

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Bonus: 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

As the month of March comes to an end, I can reflect on the different ways that I have reflected my own submission and the new D/s dynamic we are integrating in our relationship.  It has been a rollercoaster at times.  I forgot so much of who I was by denying my submissive side.  Things I missed and a few that I did not or had tried to forget.  My past D/s relationships did not work out for different reasons.  However, I think I carried a lot of guilt as to why they failed on my own shoulders.  I wasn’t submissive enough, I didn’t do things right; it was almost a form of imposter syndrome. 

Over the past 30 days I have used the prompts provided by LovingBDSM to guide my thinking about different aspects of D/s, explore my own desires, strengths, and weaknesses.  I have also gained a heightened awareness of how much the online kink community has drastically changed while I stayed away.  Sure, there are still the creepy trolls, but they are easily dealt with.  But there exists a large group of kink and sex positive individuals that are truly invested in growing a community of support and knowledge with and through each other. 

The workbook and prompts are just the beginning, I have an entire list of topics that I want to research further that came up as part of this exploration.  Which in truth is the core of a good D/s dynamic, evolution through understanding. 

We are still very early on in our D/s dynamic, but there are hints and windows in to what is possible and at this point, I could not be more pleased and excited for what the future my hold.  And don’t worry, I’m careful to separate these ideas from any sub frenzy that may be happening. 

As the month comes to an end, I cannot think Kayla Lords and John Brownstone enough.  Their prompts as part of the workbook are well thought out and insightful.  Additionally, they are a great resource for BDSM and D/s specifically.  It is easy to see their devotion to growing a kink aware/sex positive community.  I’m excited to see where they go next!!  Thanks to y’all, I’m me again!

As always – thanks for stopping by and be sure to check out my other posts, you can also follow me on Twitter and Instagram @raxleanne

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s
Categories: 30 days of discovery Tags: , ,

Our D/s Dynamic

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Day 30 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

All D/s dynamics are not created equal, nor should they be.  In short, they should reflect the personalities, needs, and choices of those involved.  Our D/s is very much ours and is growing and changing all the time.  Partly due to the newness of D/s, for my partner, but also because any successful D/s relationship should never remain stagnant for too long.  Do not get me wrong, are their comforts and rituals that will enter a relationship and stand the test of time?  Absolutely!  However, a big part of D/s is the ever evolving and emerging confidence in each other.  As trust grows, so should the depth of D/s.

As I have said a few times over the last month, my partner is very, very new to all thinks kinky.  Sure, he knew that it existed, he is not an island and has his share of fantasies.  However, I think in large part due to the stereotypes that are placed on men and particularly Dominant men, he never saw himself as “the type.”  So, for now, most of our D/s interactions involve learning, learning what D/s means for us, how we want to integrate different aspects of D/s throughout our already established relationship, and honestly – just having fun with it. 

I am enjoying seeing his excitement when I tell him what I would love for him to do to me or take for himself.  One aspect of D/s that has seemed to easily catch on for us is me asking him for things, particularly of a sexual nature, as that is where our D/s (for now) resides.  I get very excited as I carefully word and edit a text message during the day while he is at work.  Carefully timing the send to coordinate with a time that I know he will not be able to read it immediately, as to delay my own gratification at his inevitable sexy and hot respond.  I have always been able to ‘paint a picture’ so to speak in very few words but in a way that often gets me the reaction I am looking for. 

Another aspect of D/s that is leeching out into many other areas of our relationship is the commitment to communication.  We did an ok job of communicating before going D/s, but it was not the priority that it is today.  I often find myself smiling throughout the day when I think about our conversations.  We have made our connection a priority for the first time in our relationship and so far, it seems to be working wonders.  D/s will not fix something that is broken, but it will enrich something with a good foundation.

As always – thanks for stopping by and be sure to check out my other posts, you can also follow me on Twitter and Instagram @raxleanne

Shoutout

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

KOTW – Hidden Ownership

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Love bites or hickeys, those secret little (or not so little) gems from the carefree days of being a teen, making out with my lover in the backseat of my car before parting for the evening. As a teenager, they seemed so silly, so taboo. However, I could not wait to show them off to my girlfriends on Monday at school. Oh how times have changed!!

These days these little badges of honor take on an entirely different meaning. Gone are the days of purposeful vacuum-like sucking trying to get the deepest darkest bruise. Now the bites are the result of true lust and debauchery. The marks left behind by my dominant as he inhales my large mounded breasts, making sure to cover every inch in powerful, possessive suckling.

The surprising marks found the next day are perhaps my favorite. As I lazily caress my body in the shower, reminiscing in his every touch, landing on a tender inflammation of the skin, perhaps on my inner thigh, or just next to my left, most sensitive, nipple. The slight pain that brings me right back to the moment of ecstasy as he fed off my body as if drowning and my skin is the only thing keeping him afloat.

When I find these reminders, the young teen inside giggles, while the woman I have become stands a little straighter, proud that this man has bestowed his mark on me. The outside world doesn’t need to know our secret. Much like the familiar smell he makes a point to wear with him to work after a night of lust. HIS marks are my hidden reminder of who I belong to, who I owe my pleasure to, and hopefully who will bring me untold pleasures again very soon. I love my marks!!

This has been my first addition to Kink of the Week, I hope you find it entertaining and perhaps a little titillating. I can’t wait for the next round of kink. Be sure to take the time to check out other posts by clicking below.

As always thanks for stopping by… follow me on Twitter @raxleanne and feel free to drop me a line. I love hearing from fellow kinksters.

Categories: KOTW - Kink of the Week Tags: , ,

Being D/s and a Parent

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Day 28 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

As I write this, I have 2 children in my home.  I think I am in a unique situation regarding sexuality topics because all my kids know my future professional plans.  I am currently in grad school for counseling psychology, my undergrad was focused on human sexuality and women and gender sexuality studies.  In short, I plan to be a Sex Therapist. 

Therefore, when it comes to talking about sexuality in our home, it is something my children have grown up with.  They have always known they could ask me any question and they are going to get a straight answer, sometimes more than they bargained for lol.  When my oldest (now 19 and not at home) was 9, she came in from the school bus and asked, innocently, what a blow job was.  I proceeded to tell her exactly what it was, and of course asked where she had heard it, etc.  The funny part was that the entire conversation took place right in from of her 75-year-old grandfather, and he was shocked.  Although, I am still not sure what surprised him more, the fact she asked or that I very simply answered her honestly.   

So, when my partner and I decided to integrate D/s into our relationship, not much has changed.  When there are children in the home, I always must be careful to be quiet when there is kinky fuckery going on.  I can get quite loud 😉.  However, there have been non-sexual conversations that have occurred around the children, especially my almost 15-year-old.  I understand that many may disagree with my openness and honesty with my children.  However, it is important to me to raise sex-positive children that bare no shame in their sexuality, wants and desires. 

As a bonus, my 15-year-old is a techy, she is the one to whom I ask website questions.  She is attempting to help me learn the lingo.  She has not read any of my posts, and at this point does not want to, but she often knows the topic or title of a post and has worked in my dashboard. 

So, as far as the day to day, being a parent and being D/s do not really collide.  Being honest about who I am, and why I feel what I do is too important to me to keep from my children, as it is appropriate for them to learn and understand. 

As always – thanks for stopping by and you can follow me on Twitter and Instagram @raxleanne

Shoutout

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s
Categories: 30 days of discovery Tags: ,

D/s Tasks and Rituals

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Day 27 of 30 days of exploration through D/s

I find myself both excited and nervous when out comes to tasks and rituals. Perhaps due to being overwhelmed with strict expectations in a previous D/s relationship that ended abruptly (see the post here). But as a new Dominant, my partner has yet to fully embrace the idea, so I’m not sure where things will lead.

So as a sort of compromise we’ve landed on permissions, and very few expectations. Let me explain… Recently, I rearranged our bedroom, moved everything, organized the clutter, and made sure every bit of laundry was folded or hung and put away. Now I’m the first to admit, I’m no Suzy homemaker! I just don’t feel the need to have everything spotless, though for the most part everything is clean, life just takes over sometimes. Part of the new look for the bedroom included a gorgeous new purple bedspread, so I took it upon myself to make sure that every day since the bed is made and looks pretty when I first wake up. Though this was not asked of me, he noticed, and expressed appreciation for it. Almost a “good girl.”

However, yesterday I did not make the bed. My D, wouldn’t know this until well into the evening, but I found myself having a bad day. I just felt off and couldn’t put my finger on it. Small things bugged me and I had a strange feeling something just was not right. Later in the afternoon I had to go through my bedroom after something and it hit me… the bed was unmade. I could have just been smacked in the face; all the feelings were there, I felt like I had really let myself and him down. Now, I know in the big scheme, this is tiny, insignificant, but because it was a small task that I enjoyed doing for him and he appreciated, it seemed big when left undone. I suddenly realized why I had felt just a bit off. I had broken the pattern that had formed over recent weeks for the first time.

When he made his way to the bedroom later, I apologized for not having completed the task, and got his gentle “it’s ok babe.” But I do not think he realizes how important it was for me to do that for him. So in this case, though there was no punishment, the guilt caused other chaos. Though when we have our house back (visitors), I hope to discuss it with him.

As far as permissions go, they really are a way for me to make sure I’m not doing something that he does not want or desire. One example is masturbation. I have free rein to masturbate when he is not with me. That has actually been part of our understanding even before attempting D/s. However, recently I have found times at night, when he’s already asleep, that I have considered it. Of course having a new toy probably helps… lol. So I mustered the nerve to ask permission. That is the hardest thing to do! I swear, I have a hundred scripted conversations in my own head every time I need to ask him the simplest question. And most of the time it ends up being a simple yes. Well this time, it was even better. Not only did he give permission, but he was turned on by the idea! Woohoo! That always makes my submissive heart dance.

So, while tasks and rituals are not officially part of our D/s, we’re working on it. After all, isn’t half the fun in the journey??

Don’t forget to check out the rest of my blog and follow me on Twitter and Instagram @raxleanne

Shoutout

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here. If you would like to join in, check them out. If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

24/7 Ds… Can I??

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Day 26 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

When I think about D/s, I tend to think of sexual submission; being completely controlled during sexual play is a major turn on.  However, when I consider the idea of going 24/7, I am conflicted.  There are plenty of positive things that a 24/7 dynamic offers; security is perhaps the biggest benefit.  When you are in a 24/7 D/s dynamic, there is no time to wonder how your D/s relationship is doing, because you (hopefully) are reminded on a regular basis.  I envision a 24/7 dynamic as a bunch of set protocols that reinforce the limits and rules. 

I know my personal control issues keep me from trusting anyone enough to give over complete control in every aspect of my life. However, I have a deep respect for people that can, on both sides of the slash, give control over or take on that responsibility.  Further, I wonder if I have the patience to move at someone else’s pace.  Do not get me wrong, I understand that consent must always be freely given and can be revoked at any time.  However, that is perhaps the biggest reason I am leery of 24/7 D/s, I do not want to be the type of person that changes their mind often.  Waffling back and forth is a pet peeve of mine.

In short, right now in my life 24/7 is not the right fit. Perhaps in the months and years to come my Dom and I can consider something closer to 24/7, just not yet ;).

So, I would love to hear how others have made the journey.  Are you in a 24/7 dynamic?  Did you jump all in, or were there steps that got you there?  Or maybe you are like me, and think it just does not fit you at this point?

As always – thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Don’t forget to check out the rest of my blog and follow me on Twitter and Instagram @raxleanne

Shoutout

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s
Categories: 30 days of discovery Tags: , ,

When a D/s Relationship Ends

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Day 25 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

D/s relationships can help each person be their authentic selves.  In many D/s relationships, the main purpose is to push our personal limits and find out what we can handle.  However, when one of these relationships comes to an end it can bring you to your knees.  This is one of my experiences…

My story

I had been in this relationship for 8 months, we were in contact nearly every day and I was frantically planning for the next visit to celebrate my birthday.  Long distance D/s has unique difficulties, but if both parties are invested, it can feel just as real as an in-person relationship.  I had daily protocols in place that included messages before and after activities, pictures of specific results.  Additionally, I was expected to email every morning my plans for the day, and every night I sent an email detailing what I was able to accomplish that day.  This was all in addition to spending a good amount of time on Yahoo messenger, in contact throughout most of the day.

He worked in a job that would occasionally cause him to be out of contact for a day or two, and even on those days I would usually get a quick email telling me all was well and that he would call or message soon.  Having been previously married to a truck driver, I knew that the real world sometimes caused situations where contact was not an easy thing.  As my birthday grew closer, I was looking at plane tickets and hotel reservations.  A couple days went by with no contact.  I was concerned but it did not completely freak me out until a week had gone by and I was having to pay the money for the trip.  After trying the phone, video chat, messenger to no avail, I sent a frantic email. 

Thinking the Worst

We had not set up any other people to contact in the case that something happened to one of us, so there was no one I could call.  My anxious mind went to all the horrific things that could have gone wrong.  He worked in a sometimes quite dangerous job.  I started combing the newspaper looking for the slightest mention of his company; even started looking through the obits.  I was completely undone.

After 13 days I got a simple email; “I am fine, just can’t do this anymore, wish you the best”.  My heart sank, I collapsed on the floor.  Caught somewhere between fear and anger, I immediately started analyzing what I could have possibly done wrong.  I spent the next weeks going through every email, every message, there was no hint.  As a result, I sank into a deep depression.  I had intertwined this man into man into nearly all aspects of my life.  What was I going to do?

Now, I know that many relationships do not end so abruptly and with no explanation.  However, what I want to make sure people know is that you can survive it.  That relationship ended 6 years ago and though the road after was hard and caused me to take a long look at myself, I came out on the better end in the long run.

The last contact…

Just FYI – I have only gotten one email from him since, about 2 years ago.  With a picture that I had sent him, and an “I was thinking about you and the time we spent together, hope all is well.”  That message nearly caused me to slide right back.  But my boyfriend, now Dom, was there to catch me, I had shared the entire experience with him, and I was so glad I did.  I do not think of him often, but when I do, I am just reminded that I survived it.

As always – thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Don’t forget to check out the rest of my blog and follow me on Twitter @raxleanne

Shoutout

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s
Categories: 30 days of discovery Tags: , ,

Kink with a Full House

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Day 23 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

The original topic for today was supposed to be Drop. However, after what’s been going on the last couple of days, that’ll have to be another day… but I think this is still part of understanding our new D/s dynamic. 

For the first time in quite some time, we have a house full.  And I do mean full.  My mother, my two daughters, my son-in-law (almost), two grandchildren – and of course me and my D.  So tonight, every available bed-like surface will be utilized, and I am starting to feel a little claustrophobic.    Yesterday we worked hard on some of our remodel mess and went to bed quite early.  Kinky fuckery was the farthest thing from my mind when I my head hit the pillow. 

Since taking our relationship toward D/s, we try to connect in some way every day.  Sometimes it is solely sexual, other times it is gestures, even glances.  We have not implemented any specific protocols; mostly because we have not found any that fit us. 

Sneaking in some Kink

My D had to work today, which as usual means he is up and out of the house by 6am, and I am usually still asleep (not a morning person here).  Not this morning though!  For whatever reason, when he woke around 5am, it stirred me… in all kinds of ways.  It was a combination of his smell, the lack of contact the night before and … probably just my nature.  I snuggled into him, suckled my way down to his cock and tasted what I had desperately missed.  Hearing his hushed moans pleased that side of me that wants to give him all the pleasure I can.  When he reached to grab my ass, I was undone, he has learned recently that I love it when he plays with my ass.  It wasn’t too long before he threw me over on my back and took my wet pussy with his rock-hard cock.  He took all he wanted until on his signal we both climaxed together.  It was so hard to stifle that scream of pleasure. 

It was short, anything but sweet, but what we both really needed.  And … he went to work smelling like our union, which is such an amazing turn on.

The Result…

I was able to fall into a deep relaxed sleep having connected, having offered myself, pleasing my D is the best way to relax.  Messages throughout the day reminded me of our power exchange and how into it he is.

Making me – a very happy submissive 😉

As always – thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Shoutout

The post is part of an ongoing series found on LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s
Categories: 30 days of discovery Tags: , ,

Sex on Demand

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Day 20 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Many D/s or power exchange relationships include sexual availability as part of their negotiations.  It is not uncommon for a submissive to agree to being 100% sexually available to their Dominant.  But what does this really mean?

In general, any kind of sexual encounter within a D/s dynamic will fall within the health and physical wellbeing of the individuals.  That is, a Dominant is not likely to initiate sex when they do not feel well, neither should they initiate when their submissive is unwell, physically or mentally.  As with any kink, consent ONLY applies when the individual possesses the availability to give their consent. Therefore, being sexually available is still bound by consent.

That being said, being sexually available 24/7 typically means that a Dominant can request, take, or initiate sex whenever they desire.  This can be amazing.  As a submissive, with a high sex drive, the idea of just being told “Now” is such a turn on.  It also has the added side benefit of taking away any expectation for me to initiate any sexual encounter, which outside of D/s relationships has been a personal issue of mine. 

So where do you sit on the spectrum of sexual availability?  Are you a nighttime only, 24/7, only certain days or atmospheres, or has sexual availability even been discussed in your D/s relationship?  Drop a comment, I’d love to hear from you.

As always – thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Shoutout

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s