Orgasm Control led to Squirting

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Day 19 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Orgasm control, the often mysterious and devilish act that can encompass everything from complete orgasm denial, edging, forced, multiple orgasms and so much more.  As a biological female and submissive, the idea of my Dominate having complete control over not only whether I do orgasm, but also the length and intensity of them is so…. HOT!

Squirting (female ejaculation)

In previous D/s dynamics, the Doms tended to enjoy more control over frequency then the forced or multiple orgasms.  It was thanks to orgasm denial for over a month that I first came to know that I could ejaculate.  Sometimes referred to as squirting, female ejaculation is not possible for every woman, but the ones that can will likely tell you that they gush more than squirt, especially if they are well hydrated.  Do not be manipulated by porn images of women gushing rivers.  While there can be quite a mess, those scenes are typically the result of the vaginal canal and even lower uterine space being filled with water at some point.  The muscles spasms cause the effect.  Reality is not hugely different.  If I have been a good girl, drinking the amount of water that I should, there is often a large wet spot left behind.  Lots of towels are a must in our sexual play.

Forced Orgasms

When it comes to forced orgasms, the most common from what I have been told are clitoral orgasms.  The clitoris becomes swollen and very sensitive during and after orgasm, so that in many cases, multiple or rolling (one after another, often indistinguishable) orgasms can occur easily, especially when using assisted manipulation; either a vibrator or partner.  In my experience, and of those I have talked to, rarely are we disciplined enough to force rolling orgasms.  In a way, the constant intensity needed is so overwhelming that we cannot keep up the pressure on our own.  However, a partner is not limited by the urge to stop, so they can make it just keep coming (pun intended).

Finally, whether you have experienced orgasm control, or are just curious, there are many different levels and ways that a power exchange dynamic can determine the amount of control.  If you have never given that power over, I encourage you to try it, you may be pleasantly surprised

As always – thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Shoutout

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

Kink without Sex??

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Day 18 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Is it possible to be kinky without having sex? Some might find it hard to understand, but there are plenty of ways that you can be kinky that do not directly involve sexual intercourse.  In fact, many dungeons do not allow sex on the premises due to city ordinances and such.  I know, I know… in many cases the people playing may be going home to have sex.  However, not necessarily.  There are times when people negotiate a one-time scene, in most of these cases they do not involve sex. 

Types of non-sexual D/s

Another dynamic that can be successful without kink is a D/s or other power exchange.  One good example of this is LDR (long distance relationships), there are plenty of LDR D/s couples that go an extended period between visits, some even years.  They are not able to have sexual contact, yet the power exchange can very much be a large part of their dynamic. 

The past

I previously had an online only D/s relationship, and due to the rules and protocols that we set in place, I grew in my submission leaps and bounds without ever having been in the same room.  Sexual submissives may struggle at first with a no-sex dynamic, I did, but found that the intimacy and connection was strong enough to fulfill me for the time we were in the power exchange.

My current relationship

In my current relationship, we are trying to negotiate some non-sexual power exchange.  Our struggle lies in not having as much experience; me with non-sexual in person submission, him with taking control outside of the bedroom.  I would love for our D/s to be 24/7, some day it will get there.

So, give me some ideas… what non-sexual ways do you express your D/s. 

As always – thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Shoutout

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s
Want more information???

Check out this link on Kinkly!

Categories: 30 days of discovery Tags: ,

Living in a Kink Desert

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Day 17 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Kinksters hear repeatedly that the best way to expand their understanding of kink is to get out and socialize within the kink community.  And I do not disagree.  However, for me there is no real community near me.  I am in the middle of the US and last I checked (10 minutes ago) the closest munch was almost 3 hours away.  There is a couple party houses about an hour away, but those are more the swingers scene.  Not that there is anything wrong with that, just not what I am looking for right now.

So… what do I do instead???

Well, for me, I am lucky that most people that know me, know about my kinks, or at least that I fully support the kink community.  I have a few close friends that I have been blessed with that do not judge my choices. Otherwise, I take to the internet.  For years I had an active profile on Fetlife, Tagged, and other websites that allow kinksters to interact.  I did recently reactivate my Fetlife account, and of course the creepy messages have already started; even though I have full disclosed that I am only looking to network and make friends.  I do know a few people that have been lucky on these sites and even others.  In most cases it seems that they find only one-time encounters, and the days of that for me are long gone.

If money were not an issue, I would finance a dungeon around here.  My D and I cannot be the only kinksters that would be interested.  And let’s face it, we are just like most people, we do not have the space and privacy necessary for a personal play room… although that is definitely on my wish list for after the kiddos are grown 😉

I am always open to suggestions.  Where have you found like minded people?  Have you made lasting friendships within the community?  And, what would your dream dungeon look like? 

As always – thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Shoutout

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

Maintaining D/s When You’re Apart

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Day 15 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Another perfectly timed prompt.  It’s Spring Break time around here, and last weekend I took my kids and grandkids to see my sister.  We were gone for four days; leaving my sweet D home alone.  We did not plan to implement any specific D/s protocols while I was away.  However, I expected some of the normal daily routine.  One thing that is a daily way for us to connect is when D messages me when he gets to work.  I am usually still asleep when he leaves home and I see it as soon as I wake, and always message him back. 

When I panic or worry

For those in this part of the world, last Sunday was daylight savings time.  It also happened to be D’s day off, and the first time in forever waking to an empty house.  So, when I awoke to no message, my heart sank.  I tend to worry too much, so my mind immediately went to all the things that could go wrong on his way to work.  Why hadn’t I gotten a text?? So I messaged him.  A short while later, he messaged me that he had just woke up.  I felt like an idiot, not only did I forget it was daylight savings time, I forgot he did not work that day, and had spent at least an hour in panic over nothing.

My point is that there are often simple things that can be done when you are not with your D/s partner.  In my case, we now laugh about my reaction, but I have gotten every morning message since.  Try to find small ways to feel connected.  For some people there may be activities or protocols that will help you.  I do not have as much experience with Long Distance D/s, but if you are looking for help from people who lived it, definitely check out LovingBDSM, Kayla Lords and John Brownstone are a LDR turned 24/7 D/s couple who are proof that it can work.

As always – thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Shoutout

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

Rules in D/s

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https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwjEid_n2P_gAhVJT6wKHWCFDwUQjhx6BAgBEAM&url=https%3A%2F%2Finkgirlpoet.com%2F2015%2F06%2F23%2Ftime-out-a-conceptual-poem%2F&psig=AOvVaw24svvLWIVaM5J3c_fIVMV9&ust=1552586205937336

Day 14 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Rules smules… This is by far the hardest part of D/s for me.  In a “typical” D/s (or how I envision it) the Dominant partner sets particular rules that the submissive must then abide by (consensually of course).  The rules are often incorporated during negotiations and sometimes have specific goals in mind.  Other times, the rules may just be in place at the pleasure of the Dominant. 

Personal History

In a previous D/s relationship, I was expected to send messages with pictures at specific times throughout the day.  If I neglected, or simply forgot, then there would be consequences.  I despise punishment in any form, so I rarely strayed from the rules.  However, when I did, the feeling that I had disappointed my Dominant always outweighed whatever punishment was set forth.

New D/s relationship

In my current dynamic, since we are still very new to D/s and going slowly, there are few set rules.  This is further complicated by our outside vanilla influences such as children, work, school, etc.  The interesting thing is that I find myself yearning for more rules.  I wonder to myself if the act of implementing rules would make me feel more submissive.  It is worth a conversation.  Which is why this 30-days-of-discovery is so amazing.  I’ll have to update this if things change after the fact, hehe.

In closing, I will remind you that there are no set, hard-fast rules about rules.  They are as individualized as the persons involved in a relationship.  And they can, often do, and should change over time. 

Comment down below with some rule ideas.  Do you like the rules? Are there other rules you desire?

As always – thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Shoutout

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

How Do You Feel About Pain?

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Day 13 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Pleasurable Pain

Pain for pleasure is the S&M part of BDSM, meaning sadism and masochism.  However, pain is not a requirement for D/s.  Some people find pleasure in some levels of pain, giving or receiving, while others find it a turn off.  The important thing to remember is that wherever you fall on the spectrum, if you are playing with a consenting partner, that is your dynamic and it is just fine.

I happen to enjoy some levels of pain, specifically impact play.  Now, while I have not experienced all types of impact play, I have some masochistic tendencies.  One area where I find many people enjoy impact specifically is spankings.  Now a spanking can be a simple smack on your ass during sex, or a complete spanking session using one or more implements such as canes, floggers, or even hands.

New to inflicting pain

My partner is new to D/s and was raised that a man should never hit a woman, so it is taking some adjustment for him to find a level he is willing to inflict the pain that I desire.  This is a common issue, specifically with those individuals causing the pain.  They often must battle very deeply ingrained habits.  The best course of action I have found is constant communication.  I ask for my spankings for now, we have not reached a point where they can be used in the power exchange area of our dynamic.  By requesting them, I let him know that I am all in, I want it.  I also make sure to tell him how much I enjoyed the pain afterwards.  He is growing more confident, and I get a little more excited each time.

Spankings are not the only types of pain.  Honestly the list could go one forever.  However, in my research and conversations I have found that spankings, slaps, edging, and positioning are perhaps the most common.  No matter what type of pain you may find interesting, education, practice, caution, and intention need to be included.

A word of caution

One area that I suggest using extreme caution is mental pain.  I have only spoke to one individual that found pleasure from being the target of extremely painful mental dynamics.  In their case, they found pleasure from the mental breakdown in the building back up.  If this is hard to understand, what is sometimes referred to as a mindfuck would be a very mild form of mental pain.

So, to close this out for today: pain for me is a big turn on, BUT it does not have to be for everyone.  If you are curious about pain and the pleasure that it can bring, talk about it with your partner. 

As always, thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Shoutout

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s
Categories: 30 days of discovery Tags: , , ,

When Vanilla turns D/s

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Day 12 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Today’s topic hits very close to home for me.  While I have known that I am submissive for most of my adult life (even if I did not know the name of it lol), I entered my current relationship in a more vanilla way and coming up on five years together have only ventured into D/s over the past (almost) year.  I have never lied or withheld anything from my partner, so it was no real surprise when I broached the subject of taking our relationship in a D/s direction.  Thankfully, he was very receptive to the idea, even though he has no experience with D/s or really any kind of kink. 

The first conversation…

I was so nervous to bring the subject up, because I was afraid that he would take the idea as an insult to him and what he had to offer.  And that was the last thing that I wanted.  Having had prior experience with kink and D/s, I am aware of how much a relationship CAN benefit.  However, I did not approach this as a fix-all for our relationship issues either.  So, we went slow.  I expressed my desire as a ‘let’s try this thing’ with no real expectations that he would want to move forward and braced myself for rejection.  I got lucky.  Not only was he willing, he continues to be curious about all aspects of D/s.  And let’s face it kinky curiosity can be a very good thing.

Step one:

Where to start?  For us, the most logical place to start was to talk about limits and Safewords.  I sent him the list I have compiled over the years.  Get it HERE.  And simply asked that he take the time to read it, ask any questions, and made sure he understood that everything on this list was not a green light for me.  I also explained what is known as the light system of Safewords.  He took his time going through the list, which for impatient me was an interesting first step toward the new ‘potential’ power exchange. 

Step two:

The conversation/negotiation involved first going through and weeding out the things that neither of us have any interest in pursuing.  These included hard limits, as well as the items that we just are not turned on by or curious about.  Although, with such an extensive list, that still left plenty of ideas.  After that came the fun stuff, we talked about things that really made us excited.  And I was elated to find out that in quite a few areas, these matched.  Everything that was left we labeled as maybe, but not now.  We also included in the maybes things that would take some added education.  For example, rope bondage is not something anyone should just jump into without learning about safety and procedures.

Step three:

Playing for the first time after implementing the power exchange was an amazing turn on.  He was gentle and caring, in his sweet way, but was able to let in a little control that just made me melt.  One favorite kink of mine is asphyxiation, and we had played with it in the past, just a little, however because he now trusted me to balance him by using Safewords if I needed to, he was able to push himself and me farther than we dared before. 

Now, I will be the first to admit, we are still in the infant stages of this dynamic.  We are not rushing it.  Finding out where we are now and what we enjoy is the whole point.  Everything else will develop in time.

So, if you cannot tell, I am a bit excited to explore this new part of our relationship.  I finally feel like I am my genuine self again, and that is glorious!!

Shoutout:

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

As always, thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Handling Negative Emotions in D/s

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Day 8 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s


Photo by Callum Skelton on Unsplash

This week the topic Handling Negative Emotions

Negative Emotions, we all have them.  We get anxious, jealous, filled with fear, or just feel off sometimes.  What is important is how we handle those negative feelings.  In a D/s partnership like mine, part of our dynamic includes communicating how we are feeling on a regular basis.  This becomes even more important when those feelings come from a negative place.  For me negative feelings tend to result from inaccurate assumptions or feelings of doubt in myself.  My own history of issues with self-image, self-worth, and, to borrow the term (LovingBDSM), my own bad tapes are usually the root cause of my negative emotions.  During such times, I struggle, but know that if I talk to my Dominant, things tend to get better.  Usually the resulting conversation will show me that my fears and anxieties were off somehow, or even completely unrealistic.  But talking through them, even if it means just writing them down, helps tremendously.  On the rare occasion that negative feelings come up that involve something that my Dominant has done, or is doing, I find it hard to be confrontational.  At these times, I will reach out to a trusted friend first to run it by them.  This serves to figure out if may feelings have foundation or are just rooted in fear.  Fear for me, is typically the biggest cause of most of my negative feelings.  This may not be the same for anyone else. 

Dominants are not immune from negative feelings.  There are times when very similar situations come up from the other side of the /. Dominants need to have the same avenues available to them to express and deal with their negative emotions just like they do for their submissive.  In my partnership, we try to make a point to check in at least once a week; particularly if there has been a lot going on in our ‘vanilla’ lives.  By making a point to check in, we tend to avoid the bigger issues that have built up in the past.  I make a point of trying to make myself available for one on one conversations when there are little or no distractions for these discussions.  There have also been times when I have had to write things down, like a list, to keep myself on track.  By doing so, I can keep my thoughts in order and not controlled by the negative emotions that I am battling.

As with most everything in D/s; communicate, communicate, communicate.  No one is a mind reader, and unrealistic expectations can only cause further trouble. 

Disclaimer: The opinions contained in this blog are not a substitute for therapy and should not be considered anything other than my personal experience.  Your experiences can and will be different. Emotions that are obsessive, unrealistic, or overwhelming may lead to serious mental health issues.  If you feel that these emotions are too much to handle… Please seek professional help in your area.  If you need assistance finding someone, please contact me and I will do all I can to assist you in your search.

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

As always, thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Communication in D/s

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On Day 7 of 30 days of D/s, the topic is Communication

Communication is by far the most important aspect of any D/s relationship.  Communication is used in negotiations, during any power exchange, scenes, or play, and even aftercare.  Communication includes not only verbal, but non-verbal cues.  Throughout a relationship communication can and should change and as trust increases, non-verbal communication can increase.

Negotiation communication is the primarily the time when expectations, desires, and especially concerns should be addressed.  For many people negotiations may take on a formal feeling, some even using contracts or written lists to help facilitate communication.  One common thing may people use to help this part is lists, there are many, many kink lists out there that can be used to determine likes, dislikes, and curiosities that people may have in common and areas they want to explore together.  For me and my partner, this was one of the first steps I used to introduce what things could be included in our D/s dynamic.

Play time is not void of communication.  Most individuals in BDSM are familiar (or should be) with the use of safe words.  My partner and I use the light system, which has gained popularity over the years, but in previous relationships I used mundane non-sexual words, such as bicycle or popcorn (the light system is so much easier to use because most people are familiar with what the colors red, yellow, and green mean.  Stop, proceed with care, and GO! This is also a time to pay close attention to non-verbal communication.  For me, it is not uncommon to lose the ability to form words during particularly intense scenes, I also have a bad habit of holding my breath during orgasm, so that if they are coming (pun intended lol) one after another, I have been known to pass out.  So that means that my partner needs to pay attention.  Luckily it has only lasted for a few seconds, and I am able to communicate that I am ok.  Though I have never used an object to communicate, it is something I have heard of many times.  For example, if a ball gag, or other device makes verbal communication difficult, an object such as a ball in the hand can be used.  When the person drops the ball, all play stops.

Aftercare communication is more important than people sometimes realize.  Especially during times when limits have been pushed, or play has stopped abruptly.  It is important to follow up with your partner to assist them in any way they need.  Everyone is different.  For me, if I have pushed my personal limits, I need time to analyze it myself before being able to communicate with my partner.  Sometimes this can take just a few minutes, other times this has taken days.  In either situation, it is important for the partner to be open and understanding.  Help, whether it be water, food, or just being held.  Do not rush the person that needs to think things through.  In instances where a safe word has been used, it is important afterward to discuss the reasons behind using the safe word, but never blame or use accusations.  Safe words can be used for so many different reasons, physical issues or mental issues, such as triggers, fear, or overwhelming misunderstood emotions can take time to figure out. 

As someone who has been blamed for stopping play too soon, it is dangerous to say or show negative feelings during aftercare, it can only lead to more complications in the future.  Just be supportive in any way they need.

Dominants can use safe words or stop play at any time for a number or reasons as well.  In these times, it is important for a submissive to be open to the Dominant, if they need to discuss the reasons why.  This may be especially important when a Dominant begins a new type of play, for example impact play.  Men, particularly in western culture, are raised and taught by society that they should never hit a woman.  When the woman they are with desires that impact, or the man desires to give that impact, sometimes it takes a bit to reconcile that with how they were raised.  Take your time, go slow and use constant reassurance that the Dominant is doing what you want them to do.  Praise and thanks when a Dominant fills a need is always a good thing.  Currently, my partner and I are trying to discover what types of impact he is comfortable with coupled with what I enjoy.  It is a slow process, but the learning stages can be so much fun. 

Finally, never confuse communication and assumptions.  Assumptions in D/s can be very hazardous.  Communication, on the other hand will lead to deep trust and understanding. 

When in doubt- Talk it out!!!

Again, I want to give a shout out to LovingBDSM for providing the prompts.  Go check them out!!

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

Conflicts, How we manage

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On Day 6 of 30 days of D/s, the topic is Conflicts. 

This is a difficult area for me personally, as I am a person who can handle other people’s difficulties and conflicts, but when it comes to my own… not so much.  I grew up in a difficult family, my father was an abusive alcoholic, so we spent most of our time walking on egg shells to avoid the next blow up.  Jump forward, I had a couple of previous relationships, where screaming matches seemed to be the only way to communicate. 

Today, my biggest struggle is voicing my concerns, discontent, or any unhappiness.  In short, I hate to fight or disagree with my partner, and find it easier (at the time) to just not say anything. (I know, how shockingly submissive of me!) I’m sure it is not hard to guess that not saying anything does not work either. 

So… I draw on the foundation of D/s as I know it, which is communication, sometimes even over-communication.  Before we decided we would slowly add D/s to our current relationship, we talked, and talked, and talked some more about the smallest things that were going on.  I often resort to writing letters or long texts, simply so my emotions will not take over and I can make sure to get my points across.  He is then able to contemplate my meaning without becoming defensive.  So far, it has worked for us.  We talk every day, gauge where we are and where we need or want to be and figure out how to get there.

What ways do you and your partner(s) deal with conflict?

Again, I want to give a shout out to LovingBDSM for providing the prompts.  Go check them out!!

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s