Day 25 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s
D/s relationships can help each person be their authentic selves. In many D/s relationships, the main purpose is to push our personal limits and find out what we can handle. However, when one of these relationships comes to an end it can bring you to your knees. This is one of my experiences…
I had been in this relationship for 8 months, we were in contact nearly every day and I was frantically planning for the next visit to celebrate my birthday. Long distance D/s has unique difficulties, but if both parties are invested, it can feel just as real as an in-person relationship. I had daily protocols in place that included messages before and after activities, pictures of specific results. Additionally, I was expected to email every morning my plans for the day, and every night I sent an email detailing what I was able to accomplish that day. This was all in addition to spending a good amount of time on Yahoo messenger, in contact throughout most of the day.
He worked in a job that would occasionally cause him to be out of contact for a day or two, and even on those days I would usually get a quick email telling me all was well and that he would call or message soon. Having been previously married to a truck driver, I knew that the real world sometimes caused situations where contact was not an easy thing. As my birthday grew closer, I was looking at plane tickets and hotel reservations. A couple days went by with no contact. I was concerned but it did not completely freak me out until a week had gone by and I was having to pay the money for the trip. After trying the phone, video chat, messenger to no avail, I sent a frantic email.
Thinking the Worst
We had not set up any other people to contact in the case that something happened to one of us, so there was no one I could call. My anxious mind went to all the horrific things that could have gone wrong. He worked in a sometimes quite dangerous job. I started combing the newspaper looking for the slightest mention of his company; even started looking through the obits. I was completely undone.
After 13 days I got a simple email; “I am fine, just can’t do this anymore, wish you the best”. My heart sank, I collapsed on the floor. Caught somewhere between fear and anger, I immediately started analyzing what I could have possibly done wrong. I spent the next weeks going through every email, every message, there was no hint. As a result, I sank into a deep depression. I had intertwined this man into man into nearly all aspects of my life. What was I going to do?
Now, I know that many relationships do not end so abruptly and with no explanation. However, what I want to make sure people know is that you can survive it. That relationship ended 6 years ago and though the road after was hard and caused me to take a long look at myself, I came out on the better end in the long run.
The last contact…
Just FYI – I have only gotten one email from him since, about 2 years ago. With a picture that I had sent him, and an “I was thinking about you and the time we spent together, hope all is well.” That message nearly caused me to slide right back. But my boyfriend, now Dom, was there to catch me, I had shared the entire experience with him, and I was so glad I did. I do not think of him often, but when I do, I am just reminded that I survived it.
As always – thanks for stopping by – raxleanne
Don’t forget to check out the rest of my blog and follow me on Twitter @raxleanne
The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here. if you would like to join in, check them out. If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.