When Vanilla turns D/s

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Day 12 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Today’s topic hits very close to home for me.  While I have known that I am submissive for most of my adult life (even if I did not know the name of it lol), I entered my current relationship in a more vanilla way and coming up on five years together have only ventured into D/s over the past (almost) year.  I have never lied or withheld anything from my partner, so it was no real surprise when I broached the subject of taking our relationship in a D/s direction.  Thankfully, he was very receptive to the idea, even though he has no experience with D/s or really any kind of kink. 

The first conversation…

I was so nervous to bring the subject up, because I was afraid that he would take the idea as an insult to him and what he had to offer.  And that was the last thing that I wanted.  Having had prior experience with kink and D/s, I am aware of how much a relationship CAN benefit.  However, I did not approach this as a fix-all for our relationship issues either.  So, we went slow.  I expressed my desire as a ‘let’s try this thing’ with no real expectations that he would want to move forward and braced myself for rejection.  I got lucky.  Not only was he willing, he continues to be curious about all aspects of D/s.  And let’s face it kinky curiosity can be a very good thing.

Step one:

Where to start?  For us, the most logical place to start was to talk about limits and Safewords.  I sent him the list I have compiled over the years.  Get it HERE.  And simply asked that he take the time to read it, ask any questions, and made sure he understood that everything on this list was not a green light for me.  I also explained what is known as the light system of Safewords.  He took his time going through the list, which for impatient me was an interesting first step toward the new ‘potential’ power exchange. 

Step two:

The conversation/negotiation involved first going through and weeding out the things that neither of us have any interest in pursuing.  These included hard limits, as well as the items that we just are not turned on by or curious about.  Although, with such an extensive list, that still left plenty of ideas.  After that came the fun stuff, we talked about things that really made us excited.  And I was elated to find out that in quite a few areas, these matched.  Everything that was left we labeled as maybe, but not now.  We also included in the maybes things that would take some added education.  For example, rope bondage is not something anyone should just jump into without learning about safety and procedures.

Step three:

Playing for the first time after implementing the power exchange was an amazing turn on.  He was gentle and caring, in his sweet way, but was able to let in a little control that just made me melt.  One favorite kink of mine is asphyxiation, and we had played with it in the past, just a little, however because he now trusted me to balance him by using Safewords if I needed to, he was able to push himself and me farther than we dared before. 

Now, I will be the first to admit, we are still in the infant stages of this dynamic.  We are not rushing it.  Finding out where we are now and what we enjoy is the whole point.  Everything else will develop in time.

So, if you cannot tell, I am a bit excited to explore this new part of our relationship.  I finally feel like I am my genuine self again, and that is glorious!!

Shoutout:

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

As always, thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Let’s Talk about Limits

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Day 9 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Limits are a big subject in any BDSM or alternative sexual relationship.  Limit lists are a common way for play partners and people in relationships to communicate.  These lists provide ways to talk about what experiences they may have had in the past, things that they are interested in, sometimes called soft limits, and perhaps most important to many partnerships, hard limits.  Hard limits are those things that for some reason (and often very personal) one person considers off limits.  Limits can and often do change, especially as a relationship develops over time.  Many things that I considered hard limits when I first began to understand BDSM, I enjoy now.  One example of this is asphyxiation.  Asphyxiation is one of those things that scared me beyond explanation when I first learned of it.  However, over time and as trust in my partners grew, it was something that I became curious about, later, became something of immense joy to me. 

I would suggest using a limit list like a checklist.

  • Go through the list, marking anything you have experience with and enjoy with a mark
  • Mark the things that you are curious about, or have some experience but may still need to learn more
  • Mark the things you know little or nothing about, but are no completely out of question, these are often referred to soft limits.  Sometimes these things become part of play; other times they can become hard limits as tolerance and experience is expanded.
  • Finally, boldly mark the things that are an absolute – No Way

I have compiled a pretty inclusive limit list that can be download here. This list likely does not include everything there is to try, but it can be a great place to start

I also suggest revisiting your lists as your relationship progresses.  Keeping your list up to date on what you have experience and curiosities can be a great way to decide what areas to explore.  This also serves as a tool for negotiations.  I know I cannot be the only submissive to give into something I may not absolutely love in exchange for something I really enjoy that may not get my partner super-hot. 

I have no problems answering questions about limits, but a person’s limits are very personal, so while I will not share mine, I will try to get a limit list uploaded soon that you can use with your partner.

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

As always, thanks for stopping by – raxleanne