When Vanilla turns D/s

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Day 12 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Today’s topic hits very close to home for me.  While I have known that I am submissive for most of my adult life (even if I did not know the name of it lol), I entered my current relationship in a more vanilla way and coming up on five years together have only ventured into D/s over the past (almost) year.  I have never lied or withheld anything from my partner, so it was no real surprise when I broached the subject of taking our relationship in a D/s direction.  Thankfully, he was very receptive to the idea, even though he has no experience with D/s or really any kind of kink. 

The first conversation…

I was so nervous to bring the subject up, because I was afraid that he would take the idea as an insult to him and what he had to offer.  And that was the last thing that I wanted.  Having had prior experience with kink and D/s, I am aware of how much a relationship CAN benefit.  However, I did not approach this as a fix-all for our relationship issues either.  So, we went slow.  I expressed my desire as a ‘let’s try this thing’ with no real expectations that he would want to move forward and braced myself for rejection.  I got lucky.  Not only was he willing, he continues to be curious about all aspects of D/s.  And let’s face it kinky curiosity can be a very good thing.

Step one:

Where to start?  For us, the most logical place to start was to talk about limits and Safewords.  I sent him the list I have compiled over the years.  Get it HERE.  And simply asked that he take the time to read it, ask any questions, and made sure he understood that everything on this list was not a green light for me.  I also explained what is known as the light system of Safewords.  He took his time going through the list, which for impatient me was an interesting first step toward the new ‘potential’ power exchange. 

Step two:

The conversation/negotiation involved first going through and weeding out the things that neither of us have any interest in pursuing.  These included hard limits, as well as the items that we just are not turned on by or curious about.  Although, with such an extensive list, that still left plenty of ideas.  After that came the fun stuff, we talked about things that really made us excited.  And I was elated to find out that in quite a few areas, these matched.  Everything that was left we labeled as maybe, but not now.  We also included in the maybes things that would take some added education.  For example, rope bondage is not something anyone should just jump into without learning about safety and procedures.

Step three:

Playing for the first time after implementing the power exchange was an amazing turn on.  He was gentle and caring, in his sweet way, but was able to let in a little control that just made me melt.  One favorite kink of mine is asphyxiation, and we had played with it in the past, just a little, however because he now trusted me to balance him by using Safewords if I needed to, he was able to push himself and me farther than we dared before. 

Now, I will be the first to admit, we are still in the infant stages of this dynamic.  We are not rushing it.  Finding out where we are now and what we enjoy is the whole point.  Everything else will develop in time.

So, if you cannot tell, I am a bit excited to explore this new part of our relationship.  I finally feel like I am my genuine self again, and that is glorious!!


The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

As always, thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

Consent: The only thing we truly own!

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Day 11 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Consent, a big scary word to people who do not understand the bottom line.  There are many times in our lives that we assume that another human being has given us their consent.  Whether it be expressing our personal opinions on their behavior (common in today’s world) or taking silence as an understood consent.  Consent in D/s is a bit deeper, and significantly more important.  A newer phrase regarding sexual activity is enthusiastic consent.  And while I completely agree with the concept of enthusiastic consent, I still struggle to imagine my younger self using it, especially in times when I was unaware of how or what was going to happen.  In theory, it is a great idea.  If the person you are with unequivocally states “Yes, I want to proceed” there is little room for misunderstanding. 


The problems with consent arise when there are other types of consent, for example non-verbal.  If you are in the middle kissing someone and move your hand along their skin, if they show no signs of protest, is that consent?  This is where consent gets a little fuzzy.  The ideal would say, do not do anything without undeniable affirmation that you have the other’s permission to continue.  But there are plenty of times that we assume consent has been given. 

In a long-term relationship, there is likely few instances where verbal consent is expressed.  For example, A couple who has been married for five years will have methods of showing affection to one another that strangers would (or should) never use without consent.  My uncle routinely rubs his bowl on his wife’s breast before using it.  If a stranger did that to me, umm… can you say assault??  But it has become second nature to them, especially after being married over fifty years… yes, they are adorable.

Sexual interactions between adults with all their mental capacities will likely involve some level of consent.  Even in situations known as consensual non-consent; consent still exists and has hopefully been well negotiated.  Consensual non-consent refers to things like rape fantasy or even as simple as primal sex where part of the playing involves continuing even if someone says no.  These are situations that require the use of Safewords.  For specific info on Safewords go here. 

Informed Consent

Informed Consent is a regular thing in medical or mental health treatment, but it simply means that whomever is giving consent has been apprised of all the potential risk that may be involved.  In D/s this can be implemented by negotiation of what is expected and some added discussion of what happens when things do not turn out as expected. 

My take…

For me, I believe intent goes a long way in consent.  Accidents happen, in D/s triggers, for example, can come out of seemingly anywhere.  As a submissive it is my responsibility to be aware of potential triggers if I can and warn my partner(s).  But what happens when something is trigger that I do not expect, that is where intent comes in; I had given my consent to the play, my partner will have given his consent to play as well as being as aware as possible of potential triggers, but something still goes wonky.  In this situation, consent should be temporarily withdrawn by use of Safewords.  But that does not mean that the partner did anything wrong.

I could go on forever about specific instances involving consent.  The bottom line is that you need to know that your partner is willingly involved in what ever activity is going on.


The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

As always, thanks for stopping by – raxleanne