When Kink is Hard

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You might think that with a title like that I’m referring to impact play or rough kinky sex. However, I mean just the opposite. I’ve come to realize that kink is not always an easy thing to do. Sure my mind is full of amazing fantasies, but the truth is, it is sometimes work. More work than it probably should be.

Sex in general in an ongoing relationship sometimes gets lost between work schedules, kids activities, and just being tired. It’s hard to feel sexy when you or your partner is in pain as well.

This last week my back has been causing me to be in a near constant state of pain. And, while I’m fully aware there are sexy, kinky things that we can do that do not exaggerate the pain. When I’m fighting pain, the farthest thing from my mind is kinky fuckery. Then, I end up fighting the inevitable guilt. I’m the one in our relationship with the higher sex drive typically, so for me to shy away from sexual activities, it is a definite sign that I’m hurting, probably more than I’m willing to admit.

So I end up pondering what I should do. I know the evil shoulda, coulda, or wouldas. But there is some sense to my madness, I think. If I’m not sexually available to my partner, my dominant, the man I love, we tend to stagnate. Sex is a habit, therefore not having sex, even if it’s for good reasons becomes a habit.

When I’m in pain, laying in bed is one of the worst things for my back. Add that to my tendency toward being a major night owl, it becomes very easy for me to stay up quite late instead of going to bed. And since his work schedule is crazy right now, that means he’s usually asleep by 11pm at the latest. For me, that might as well be mid-evening.

So what’s a gal to do? I flash back to awkward moments when I understood my parents were signaling each other for sex. Though to this day, my mother swears all those knee rubs didn’t end in sex. A time when sex was treated like a duty instead of a pleasure.

So I guess I’m just admitting that sex and kink are sometimes work. Thank goodness the payoff is usually worth it 😉

How Do You Feel About Pain?

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Day 13 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Pleasurable Pain

Pain for pleasure is the S&M part of BDSM, meaning sadism and masochism.  However, pain is not a requirement for D/s.  Some people find pleasure in some levels of pain, giving or receiving, while others find it a turn off.  The important thing to remember is that wherever you fall on the spectrum, if you are playing with a consenting partner, that is your dynamic and it is just fine.

I happen to enjoy some levels of pain, specifically impact play.  Now, while I have not experienced all types of impact play, I have some masochistic tendencies.  One area where I find many people enjoy impact specifically is spankings.  Now a spanking can be a simple smack on your ass during sex, or a complete spanking session using one or more implements such as canes, floggers, or even hands.

New to inflicting pain

My partner is new to D/s and was raised that a man should never hit a woman, so it is taking some adjustment for him to find a level he is willing to inflict the pain that I desire.  This is a common issue, specifically with those individuals causing the pain.  They often must battle very deeply ingrained habits.  The best course of action I have found is constant communication.  I ask for my spankings for now, we have not reached a point where they can be used in the power exchange area of our dynamic.  By requesting them, I let him know that I am all in, I want it.  I also make sure to tell him how much I enjoyed the pain afterwards.  He is growing more confident, and I get a little more excited each time.

Spankings are not the only types of pain.  Honestly the list could go one forever.  However, in my research and conversations I have found that spankings, slaps, edging, and positioning are perhaps the most common.  No matter what type of pain you may find interesting, education, practice, caution, and intention need to be included.

A word of caution

One area that I suggest using extreme caution is mental pain.  I have only spoke to one individual that found pleasure from being the target of extremely painful mental dynamics.  In their case, they found pleasure from the mental breakdown in the building back up.  If this is hard to understand, what is sometimes referred to as a mindfuck would be a very mild form of mental pain.

So, to close this out for today: pain for me is a big turn on, BUT it does not have to be for everyone.  If you are curious about pain and the pleasure that it can bring, talk about it with your partner. 

As always, thanks for stopping by – raxleanne


The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s
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