When Sex Takes a Backseat to Relationship Troubles

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I grew up hearing the old saying “Don’t go to bed angry.” And somewhere between then and now, I gave up on the expectation that every problem can be resolved before your head hits the pillow.

Sex drops down the list of priorities when a relationship is in trouble

I can’t be the only one who does not feel the least bit sexy when frustrations in my relationship cause tension throughout the day. And when disagreement and stress lasts more than a day or two, sex is the furthest thing from my mind.

I still have desires and fantasies, don’t get me wrong. However, I can’t help but think that my partner, and definitely previous partners take having sex as a sign that everything is just fine. Am I wrong? So, I don’t engage in sex when there are issues outside the bedroom left unresolved.

I end up being the Bitch

Some people have called me a bitch, claiming I use sex as a way to control my partner, or get them to do what I want. And maybe that is true. BUT, I have a hard time compartmentalizing my sexual feelings and my other thoughts. So when the days are filled with negative energy, for whatever reason. I can’t just shut it off and get turned on, or at least I don’t want to.

Yes, I know, communication is the key to a long and happy relationship. I can here Kayla Lords saying it over and over again in my head. Communication should definitely be the cornerstone of any D/s relationship. But let’s face it, sometimes real life gets in the way of any type of kinky fun.

Time to put up or shut up

So I have come to a crossroads. The most recent issues seem to continue as unresolved. I am just not ready to move on and accept defeat and no reasonable compromise seems in site. I am not sure what this means for my relationship as a whole, but I do know that the power exchange that was part of our D/s will need some renegotiation.

Well thanks for listening to my tattered ramblings… and don’t worry, I’ll keep you posted.

Categories: My Complicated Life Tags: , ,

Negotiation: A fancy word for talking in D/s??

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Day 4 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Negotiation is generally defined as a discussion aimed at reaching an agreement.  In D/s, that definition can apply, but should be expanded to allow for compromise on issues where agreement just cannot occur.  I have done plenty of research on D/s contracts and negotiations, and while I do believe there are instances where they can and should be implemented.  I have not been in a relationship that required a formal contract or negotiation.  Negotiations, in my personal experiences, have been on a circumstance by circumstance basis. 

At the beginning of any D/s or similar relationship, whether intended to be for one night or long-term, there MUST be an ongoing conversation.  People can and usually do change over time.  Protocols, for example, often change from one relationship to another, and can even change from one scene to another.  One scene, I may be completely fine being on display for all to see and another I may want to cover some or all body.  I cannot tell ahead of time where my headspace will be, therefore, it usually involves being prepared for each type of exposure, so I would likely wear clothing that allows access, but can keep me from being exposed, like a long cover up, or even crotchless panties (which reminds me… I need to do some shopping).

In a long-term D/s, or really any relationship, communication should be a priority.  And, negotiation is just a different way of thinking about communication; communication with the hope of agreement as the result.  As a submissive, every aspect of D/s is up for grabs when it comes to communication (negotiation), my Dominant either deals with it, or does not earn my submission.  Submissives can and should consider every aspect of their relationship as an area that could be discussed.  Very few submissives are 100% submissive in all areas of their lives.  Others, submission only applies to acts in the bedroom.  I guess overall, when I think about negotiations, I tend to think of the things that are my hard, or nearly, limits.  The things that fall under, only if every other variable is just right, I may consider it, situations. 

Do you see negotiations differently?  Is there one or more areas where you feel differently about conversations with your partner? 

Again, thanks to LovingBDSM for the prompt.  If you haven’t yet, please check them out, I promise you won’t be disappointed!

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s