Not your teacher’s Apple

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Years ago when I discovered kink and BDSM, a friend suggested that I chose a safeword. One that would be completely unrelated to anything sexual, but one that I would be sure to remember. This was well before the online kink community that exists now and while I was able to do a little research, there were really no suggestions for Safewords, just the same advice my friend had offered. One I could remember…. until I couldn’t remember it.

I have always been more than willing to push sexual boundaries. I used to ignorantly say that I would try anything once (never say that to a sadistic Dominant BTW). However in trying to push my personal limits I found my own masochistic side. The conundrum, when I push those boundaries I tend to skyrocket into subspace. Subspace is that magical existence when you feel like you are floating between fantasy and reality. And let me tell you apples are the furthest thing from your mind. So there I was floating on endorphins induced by erotic asphyxiation when I begin to feel myself go. There is a subtle moment just before passing out of immense clarity for me, but the problem is I am unable to speak. So fuck the apples.

It was obvious there was a communication breakdown. That Dominant had significantly more experience than I, but it did not stop me from overreacting thanks to my over-analytical anxious brain. I pulled away from pushing those boundaries for a long time, mostly out of fear. That play partner and I quickly grew distant.

When I decided to venture back into D/s, I knew I needed to have a better system of communication. Furthermore, as someone who enjoys breath play I knew verbal communication would not always work. Enter the hackey sack. For those that do not know what they are, a hackey sack is a small knitted ball loosely filled with rice or tiny beads used in a weird kicking game similar to how a single person will kick up a soccer ball repeatedly.

Anyhow, the plan was for me to hold onto the hackey sack. If it fell from my hand, or I dropped it intentionally, all play stopped. After a few trial runs (prior to approaching a hard limit) the hackey sack seemed to work. BUT, in situations where I still had my voice, I still had no need for fucking apples. What now? I went through a few other suggestions of people I knew before I stubbled on the light system. Green light, yellow light, and red light; the common street light signals that most people are familiar with. And red being the universal sign for STOP made complete sense. Why did it take so long to occur to me? I have no idea. I was young and more than a little kink sheltered.

In my current dynamic we have discussed the light system, though I have yet to have any need to use even yellow. And my submissive heart craves the day that he gets the courage to whisper, “Give me a color.”

This post has been included as part of the following meme, for more Tell Me About Dominance and Submission posts, just click below.

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When Vanilla turns D/s

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Day 12 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Today’s topic hits very close to home for me.  While I have known that I am submissive for most of my adult life (even if I did not know the name of it lol), I entered my current relationship in a more vanilla way and coming up on five years together have only ventured into D/s over the past (almost) year.  I have never lied or withheld anything from my partner, so it was no real surprise when I broached the subject of taking our relationship in a D/s direction.  Thankfully, he was very receptive to the idea, even though he has no experience with D/s or really any kind of kink. 

The first conversation…

I was so nervous to bring the subject up, because I was afraid that he would take the idea as an insult to him and what he had to offer.  And that was the last thing that I wanted.  Having had prior experience with kink and D/s, I am aware of how much a relationship CAN benefit.  However, I did not approach this as a fix-all for our relationship issues either.  So, we went slow.  I expressed my desire as a ‘let’s try this thing’ with no real expectations that he would want to move forward and braced myself for rejection.  I got lucky.  Not only was he willing, he continues to be curious about all aspects of D/s.  And let’s face it kinky curiosity can be a very good thing.

Step one:

Where to start?  For us, the most logical place to start was to talk about limits and Safewords.  I sent him the list I have compiled over the years.  Get it HERE.  And simply asked that he take the time to read it, ask any questions, and made sure he understood that everything on this list was not a green light for me.  I also explained what is known as the light system of Safewords.  He took his time going through the list, which for impatient me was an interesting first step toward the new ‘potential’ power exchange. 

Step two:

The conversation/negotiation involved first going through and weeding out the things that neither of us have any interest in pursuing.  These included hard limits, as well as the items that we just are not turned on by or curious about.  Although, with such an extensive list, that still left plenty of ideas.  After that came the fun stuff, we talked about things that really made us excited.  And I was elated to find out that in quite a few areas, these matched.  Everything that was left we labeled as maybe, but not now.  We also included in the maybes things that would take some added education.  For example, rope bondage is not something anyone should just jump into without learning about safety and procedures.

Step three:

Playing for the first time after implementing the power exchange was an amazing turn on.  He was gentle and caring, in his sweet way, but was able to let in a little control that just made me melt.  One favorite kink of mine is asphyxiation, and we had played with it in the past, just a little, however because he now trusted me to balance him by using Safewords if I needed to, he was able to push himself and me farther than we dared before. 

Now, I will be the first to admit, we are still in the infant stages of this dynamic.  We are not rushing it.  Finding out where we are now and what we enjoy is the whole point.  Everything else will develop in time.

So, if you cannot tell, I am a bit excited to explore this new part of our relationship.  I finally feel like I am my genuine self again, and that is glorious!!

Shoutout:

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

As always, thanks for stopping by – raxleanne

What is your Safeword?

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Day 10 of 30 days of self-exploration through D/s

Safewords, an often-overcomplicated issue in the BDSM community, can be a simple concept. 

Anyone who engages in any kind of activity sexual, scene, or otherwise can and SHOULD incorporate the use of one or more Safewords.    Safewords can be either a set thing for an individual or can be negotiated.  However, all parties should be fully aware of each other’s Safewords as well as what they mean for that individual. 

In the past I have used several different Safewords that were mundane objects and would not likely be related to the activity, such as apple or bicycle.  These words can work, but the hard part is usually remembering them when your head is a bit fuzzy from endorphins.  A common system, and one my partner and I have discussed using is the light system.  Most people are familiar with the street light system where Green means Go, Yellow means Proceed with Caution, and Red means Stop.  These can be directly applied to interactions within BDSM, with a few additions. 

I see the light system in this way:

  • Green – keep doing that, that feels good, I’m having no issues.  Issues can be physical, mental, or even both.  When someone expresses green, they are wanting to continue the activity. 
  • Yellow – I’m doing ok but be careful.  This can mean that the activity is causing some physical discomfort, but for now you can proceed.  However, this could refer to triggers or mental issues that are beginning to spring up. While they may still be under some control and they want to proceed; care should be taken to proceed cautiously.
  • Red – STOP everything Immediately!!!  This is non-negotiable.  Many people do not utilize the other colors, but Red is mostly universal.

As with anything else, this is my personal opinion and in no way should be taken as gospel.  I hope you have found this informative, please contact me if there are any questions and be sure to check out my other posts.

*Shoutout*

The topic for this post was provided as part of LovingBDSM’s 30 days of D/s, which can be found here.  if you would like to join in, check them out.  If not, still check them out, they are great people doing great things for the D/s Community and so much more.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

As always, thanks for stopping by – raxleanne